Sober Has A New Face….

…..and it is the exact opposite of this methtastic display of freckled roughness that was spit out of a crack house’s toilet and rolled onto the red carpet of the launch party for some video game in L.A. last night. That S in the background doesn’t stand for Supper Club. It’s the Health Department’s newest rating: S for SkeezaSitDown!

The highly flammable weave, the cheeks that make her look like she’s storing 8-balls for the winter and her signature collagen labia lips all need more JESUS (or something) in their lives, but Lindsay Lohan’s nostrils are another thing. It’s like a mob of coke granules did the Occupy Nostrils march right up into her nose innards. LiLo has snorted around the block a few times, so she should know that right after your nose eats a line of the bad shit off of a glove compartment lid in your dealer’s Chevy pick-up, you have to settle down your swollen nostrils with some Prep H. Amateur slip-up that disappoints White Oprah so.

Now on to the thing that everyone is hissing and throwing sprinkles of Listerine at:

For the love of Nana Lohan, can’t a bitch spike her Red Bull with some fluoride or even some paint thinner. Those Teeths of Meth look like Gollum’s fingernails after he fisted a zombie with diarrhea. If you scraped the several thick layers of crack-infused smegma off of her teeth and shoved it into a pipe and smoked it, you’d probably get a quick buzz. That’s what dentists called “methavitis.”

But being the fashion forward icon that she is, maybe LiLo is way ahead of all of us and knows that the next big trend will be to match the color of your teeth to the color of your ass lips.