On a mantel in Texas somewhere, is a framed cover of this week’s UsWeekly and an entire family is standing in front of it while ejaculating warm pride from their faces as they think to themselves, “Our little girl, what a big shameless slut.” (Sidenote: That’s the same line my friends said to me when I asked them if it was normal for my suddenly itchy crotch shrub to play the song “Under the Sea.“)
22-year-old blonde administrative assistant (it’s ALWAYS the 22-year-old blonde administrative assistants) Sara Leal can now pay for that fully-equipped Kia Sorrento in cash, because she put her story of screwing Ashton Kutcher on the auction block and UsWeekly threw up the winning bid.
The Betrayal of DEMI!!!!! started when a mutual friend of Ashton and Sara’s (aka a whore wrangler) invited her and some other tricks to a party at his hot tub suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. When the clock struck SLUT, everybody except for man whore Ashton, his dude friend and two ladies including Sara stayed in the suite. Just like how all the special romances of our time (see: Romeo & Juliet) started, Sara says she got clit-out naked and Ashton made his move:
“He just came up and kissed me,” the Texas native tells Us of Kutcher’s first bold move in the wee hours; minutes later, Leal, Kutcher and another young woman were completely nude and in a hot tub on the balcony.
“I didn’t think it was out of the ordinary,” Leal admits. “I wasn’t self-conscious about getting naked.”
When Kutcher claimed that he was “separated” from wife Moore, 48, Leal tells Us she believed him.
DUH, bitch. Of course, it wasn’t out of the ordinary. You were there to get your cooch Kutched! It would be out of the ordinary if he sat down with a pen to do The New York Times crossword puzzle, but mostly because he can’t operate anything that doesn’t have a touch screen. Sara then said that he continued to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary by leading her to the bedroom to make the sex:
After retreating to Kutcher’s bedroom past 6 a.m., “he lost his towel and I took my robe off,” Leal says. “Then we had sex.”
“He was good,” Leal reveals. “It wasn’t weird or perverted.” It also wasn’t 100 percent safe, either: Leal tells Us that Kutcher did not wear a condom during their one-on-one encounter.
What does Sara consider as weird? Because a dude screaming out “I’M ABOUT TO PROMOTE YOUR TWAT. HASHTAG I’M CUMMING!!!” is pretty kinky to me and you know Ashton screamed that out right before he gave her a raw nut.
Sara then says that they wrapped up their time together by talking about politics:
The post-coital talk was a little unexpected, she confesses; the duo talked astrology (they’re both Aquarius), religion, love, even politics. “I told him I was a Lutheran from Texas. He said, ‘Oh my gosh! Are you a Republican?'” Leal says.
Democratic-leaning Kutcher quizzed her on “up-and-coming candidates. I said Rick Perry. He asked if I’d vote for him. I said I didn’t know and he laughed. He laughed at pretty much everything I said.”
But it wasn’t all twenty questions between the lovers, according to Leal. After having sex for a second time — and arguing over Leal’s cell phone — the married Two and a Half Men star was tender.
“He was like, ‘I enjoy things like this because I’m an actor 90 percent of the time and it’s fake. It’s nice to have moments that are real,'” Leal recalls.
Oh the laugh at everything laugh. We all know that laugh at everything laugh. It’s the “I’m just going to laugh at everything so you can take the hint, wash your vagina out in the sink and leave so I can eat dry roasted peanuts and cuddle with this pillow right here” laugh.
And that last “this is a real moment” line pretty much tells me that Ashton has a full-time writer on staff who writes all of his post-fuck lines, because that is some Notting Hill shit.
I believe that a ho has to get paid, so I’m happy that somebody bought Sara’s story, but she left out the only important detail I care about. Where is the shaft-to-hole description of Ashton’s dick situation?! Sara talks about that big penis Rick Perry, but doesn’t talk about the only penis we care to know about? Does Ashton have the ingredients to Summer’s Eve tattooed on his shaft like the legend says? This is the only shit we need to know.
But I’m going to assume that Sara was just too remorseful to get into that. I mean, look at her face in that picture. That’s the same pout your puppy makes when it bareback fucks your husband in a San Diego hotel room.