Sometimes I Google “Steel Magnolia cast photos” and go through all the pictures from community theater productions and try to guess who played which character. (Yes, I played by myself in the garage a lot as a child.) So obviously, Steel Magnolias holds a special place in the battered and beaten treasure box that lies in the empty well that is my soul and I should be barfing out armadillo cake chunks through my eyes over the news that they are remaking a masterpiece classic for fucking BASIC CABLE, but I’m not. This is either going to be a Frigidaire full of YES or Lifetime is totally going to screw this shit up.
And off the top of my brain, here are just some possibilities for each role. You can also title this list as: Why Michael K is not a casting director in Hollywood.
M’Lynn (the one Sally Field played) – Viola Davis or Audra McDonald
Truvy (the one Dolly Parton played) – Jackee Harry, Jill Scott, Mo’Nique or Loretta Devine
Ouiser (the one Shirley MacLaine played) – Dionne Warwick. The end. Done. Draw up the contract, hussy!
Annelle (the one Daryl Hannah played) – Thandie Newton, Kimberly Elise or Naturi Naughton.
Clairee (the one Olympia Dukasis played) – Detective La Toya (I’m SERIOUS!), Phylicia Rashād or Alfre Woodard
Shelby (the one Julia Roberts played) – I have no idea. Joy Bryant? Yaya?
Drum (the one Tom Skerritt played) – Sheree Whitfield.
I don’t even know why we’re bothering. You know Lifetime is going to put Tyler Perry and Martin Lawrence in a room together and ask them to divide up the roles between them. We’re fucked.