USDA Not Approved

October 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Contrary to popular belief, Mischa Barton does not spend most of her days smoking up gutter leaves in the back of a yellow Datsun parked in front of a Denny’s while waiting for her agent to call to tell her that Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up to some fashion event so she can fill her seat. Mischa is BUSY BUSY BUSY! Mischa tells LADYGUNN magazine that she gets turned down a lot in the projects. I mean, turns down project after project after project after project and she doesn’t have time to accept a project because she’s so busy turning down projects all day.

“It’s strange. Everyone keeps asking me about what I’m working on right now. But it’s quite the opposite. It’s about what projects I’m turning down, which identifies me as the actor I want to be. I’m in this funny phase in my career, where it’s super important to not do a project unless I’m super passionate about it. Because what you choose to take is how people are going to view you. It is hard, though. The way you want to go isn’t necessarily the way you get to go as an actor. This industry is run by fear. When you go too long without working, you have people hassling you. The jobs I choose to do will form who I am.”

I think the mound of bloat on my belly just developed a tiny muscle from HAHAHAHA-ing so much at this bitch turning down projects that don’t allow her to be the Meryl Streep she truly is inside. Who needs to do blow job crunches (blunches?) when you can laugh your way to a half-pack thanks to the smoke ring of delusion that blows out of Mischa’s mouth.

One of the projects that Mischa didn’t turn down was a photo shoot with photographer Tyler Shields, the highway Super 8 version of Terry Richardson, where he slapped his meat against her face. No, this mess doesn’t at all look like some shit you’d find on an illegal Japanese fetish site.

My first thought about this shoot was that the steak must represent the current state of Mischa’s career. My second thought was that who ever Photoshopped this shit needs to get their priorities right. They couldn’t take five seconds to brush the Crest White Strips Tool over her meth molars?! THOSE MOLARS. It looks like she brushes with ear wax. Teeth should not look like pieces of butt corn. They just shouldn’t. But the good news is that if there was any E. coli on that meat, it probably burned off after staring at this bitch’s zombie teefs.

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