Looking like she just crawled out of a garbage disposal or fucked the Swamp Thing on a compost pile, the Barbadian alien strikes a “scratching at my athlete’s foot” pose on November’s cover of Esquire. Esquire’s offices must be located in a world where the Duchess of Alba and the First Lady of Camerooooon don’t exist, because they named RiRi their sexiest woman alive. But I have a feeling RiRi won that title by default, because she’s the only one who raised her hand when Esquire asked who wanted to be photographed looking like the Jolly Green Giant farted her out.
In the issue, RiRi says that even though she does dozens of dry Kama Sutra positions on stage every night, she isn’t just a horny goat who will crotch hump the air if a body or an inmate object is not available. RiRi claims that she only does first degree ho shit if the song calls for it (examples of her songs that call for it: ALL OF THEM). RiRi then got into some Chris Brown talk and only had nice things to say about his stupid ass:
“It’s incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did. Even when the world seemed like it was against him, you know? I really like the music he’s putting out. I’m a fan of his stuff. I’ve always been a fan. Obviously, I had some resentment toward him for a while, for obvious reasons. But I’ve put that behind me. It was taking up too much of my time. It was too much anger. I’m really excited to see the breakthrough he’s had in his career. I would never wish anything horrible for him. Never. I never have.”
RiRi, you nasty bitch. “….to see how he pulled out of it the way he did”? RiRi knew exactly what kind of images the Etch-A-Sketch in our brains would draw while reading that line. Chris Brown’s dick is about as long as RiRi’s thirtyhead, so it’ll take an hour or fifty for him to pull out of anything. You can have breakfast, lunch, dinner and three sensible snacks on his shaft as he pulls out. You can recreate the glove on the bottle scene from the Laverne & Shirley opening on his shaft as he slowly pulls out of an ass. RiRi just had to do that to me.
I don’t agree with RiRi, though. Even if you took away the fact that he beat her down, Chris Brown is still a douche bottle full of dick-shaped shits. Chris is just a gigantic anus with a big dick. Great. Now I have the image of a gigantic anus slowly pulling its dick out of another anus. I hate you, RiRi.