Everyone Is Popping Out A Baby

The carbon footprints of Johnny Knoxville and Tori Spelling grew a couple of sizes (yes, I’ve been listening to the hot environmentalist dude screaming shit at me on the street again), because they’re both getting pissed in the face and shat on the hands by a brand new newborn baby friend. (Or depending on their new babies’ aim, they’re getting shat in the face and pissed on the hands.)

People reports that Johnny Knoxville’s wife Naomi Nelson birthed out their second child, a daughter they named Arlo Clapp, on October 6th. Johnny and Naomi have an almost 2-year-old son named Rocko Akira Clapp and he has a 15-year-old daughter named Madison from a previous marriage. Rocko Akira Clapp sounds like the name of an STD you can only get from an anime character, but I actually sort of like the name Arlo. If babies started falling from the sky and I caught a daughter, I’d probably name her Ewan Danger Girl, but I’d think about naming her Arlo for a quick second. I can’t wait to see little Arlo Clapp swallow a goldfish and then barf it up during her Jackass baptism.

People also reports that the forever pregnant pug monster Tori Spelling and her creeper-faced husband Dean McDermott welcomed their newest cast member yesterday in L.A.

Tori Twatted this out today:

“Our family’s so happy 2 announce [that on] 10/10/11 [our] baby girl Hattie Margaret McDermott was born at 7:08am! Xoxo.”

Hattie is Tori and Dean’s third kid together and he has a son with his first ex-wife.

There’s only one Hattie McD and that’s Hattie McDaniel! I’m sure Baby Hattie McDermott knows this and will use all the money she makes from being whored out in reality show after reality show to change her name. Besides, put on your playground bully hat (mine doesn’t come off, I know) and think of all the names that rhyme with Hattie. If only my mom thought of this, I wouldn’t have gone through the 7th grade being called Dyke-el Gay.