Justin Theroux’s Ex Doesn’t Want To See This Shit

Here’s Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux leaving an after-party for Ben Stiller’s SNL gig on Sunday morning and not only are they chapping Maddox’s nerves by wearing his signature color but they’re also murdering Heidi Bivens’ feelings by staying in NYC. Heidi Bivens, the chick that Justin dropped after 14 years to get with Aniston full-time, is apparently telling friends that it’s hard for her to move on when she’s breathing in the lonely dust that Justin humps out of Aniston a few blocks away from her and she wishes they’d take the next GET THE FUCK OUT express train out of town.

One of Heidi’s friends tells UsWeekly that she isn’t talking to Justin anymore and “she doesn’t want to know anything about him and Jen,though she’d like a heads-up on any marriage or baby news. She wishes they’d leave NYC already. It’s hard to move on, knowing they’re in the same city.”

News fucking flash, Heidi, we all live in the same cities as our exes. But I find that NYC really is the land of falling exes. You can’t walk down the damn street without bumping into a pair of nipples that you used to bump on during happier times. Your exes are everywhere here. Seriously, either NYC truly is a small world or I’m a huge skank with a good memory (“the latter” – you), because if I got a dollar every time I had to cross the street to avoid an ex I’d have enough money to pay off the paparazzi to ignore the tips Jennifer Aniston texts them with the exact coordinates of her whereabouts in Manhattan. There is an app for picking up dick, so there really needs to be an app for avoiding dick that you’ve dropped.

Here’s more of Jennifer securing another “OMG!!! SHE REALLY IS PREGNANT THIS TIME!” cover of OK! Magazine by covering up her tequila and taquitos bloat while leaving that SNL after-party.