Being A Cheating Slut Saved David Boreanaz’s Marriage

“See, dropping my seed in another trick’s pussy made our love bloom even more. You’re welcome.” is a line that sleazed its way out of David Boringanus’ mouth and into his wife’s ear, because he believes that cheating with noted whore Rachel Cuchitel made his marriage stronger. David tells TV Week that bonding his peen lips to the inside of Rachel’s pot luck poon also bonded his heart to his wife’s heart. Tiger Woods must be working part-time as a marriage counselor, because that is pretty much the only explanation for this shit:

“[Admitting my affair was] a bonding experience, in the long run. In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive. There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you. Do I believe in giving up? No, I don’t. I’m a fighter. I’m a lover.”

If you’ve (read in the voice of the Orbitz Lady) got a dirty cooch, I’m not here to judge you, but I am here to tell you to clean it out by scooting your parts along that statement, because it’s that doucheified. David’s wife of almost ten years Jaime Bergman, a former Playboy Playmate he met at the Playboy Mansion, forgave David and I’m happy for her that hours of marriage counseling with Tiger Woods taught her nostrils how to ignore the scent of random snatch milk on her husband’s peen, but I have an Alicia Bridges to sell her (that’s the saying, right?) if she really believes that “demon” shit. BITCH, I know your dick has been to the depths of hell (by way of Rachel’s pussy), but that doesn’t mean you can call it a demon!

This dumb ass bag of douche sleaze, I swear. The next time Jamie walks in on David side screwing another piece, he’s totally going to jump up and point to the painted devil horns on his dick head before shouting, “It isn’t me! It’s the demon! Oh, and that other naked ho in the corner got ordained on the Internet to be an exorcist and she’s just here to suck the evil out of me!”