After every trick or treat stroll on Halloween night, my sister and I would sit on the living room floor and separate our candy booty into 5 piles: sours, fruity shit, chocolate, crap we’re going to trade and crap we’re going to give to the needy (aka raisins, toothbrushes and fruit cocktail packs). And if a certain Christian group gets their way, there will be a new pile: BIBLES! Some Christians are asking their fellow Christians to help them turn Halloween into JesusWeen by handing out bibles and other Christian stuff instead of delicious candies. If they’re trying to get free toilet paper, because they will be toilet papered and egged and Vaselined that night, then their plan is going to be a success! They’ll also know what it feels like to get eye shanked by a 5-year-old in a Courtney Stodden costume (that is the costume of the year, right?).
This isn’t anything new, though. I’ve been celebrate this for years. Every October 31st, I put on a drapey gown with no panties on, and get drunk on red wine before passing out into the lap of some whore sitting in the bushes. These Christians are just giving it a name and I thank them for this. Even though they’re trying to shove JesusWeen down our throats, we should accept it! It would be unholy of us to deny JesusWeen.