In one of the rooms of his multimillion dollar eco-friendly hybrid penthouse, Leonardo DiCaprio is crying all over the Australian model nipples of Alyce Crawford and only presses pause on his bawl bitch session to ask her to mutter like a Novocained up Mumbles with a peen in his mouth just like the love that got away Blake Lively! Now that Amy Winehouse is no longer here to do the honors, I guess somebody has to stick their head out of their apartment window to let out a woeful BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE as their hearts break like my nerves whenever I watch Blake Lively try to act.
Blake and Leo’s 5-month-long whatever ended recently and UsWeekly says that it wasn’t him, it was her. An “anonymous source” (If those quotation marks were wings they’d fly straight into the BlackBerry of Blake’s publicist) tells UsWeekly that Leo was all ready to make the modeling world mourn the loss of their biggest man whore benefactor by turning in his DiCatchAHo membership card to settle down with Blake, but she just wasn’t ready to domesticate. Today, bull shit smells a lot like Blake Lively’s breath. The source put it like this:
“Blake wasn’t ready to move to the next level. It was just too much, too quickly. Blake wasn’t ready to settle down. He’s looking for someone to eventually start a family with…That’s not where she’s at. She’s only 24! He’s more mature. They’re not in the same place right now.”
After Blake gnawed on the edges of Leo’s heart and spit that shit out into the compost pile on his roof top deck like the cold-blooded, man-slurping (FYI: it’s hard to eat when you’ve got a jaw made of Gummy Worms) bland widow that she is, she went off to Boston to make Ryan Reynolds her next victim. Once she turns Ryan into a puddle of sad tears and broken heart pieces, she’ll get George Clooney to change his name to George Lively when he breaks his anti-marriage oath to marry the mumbler of his DREEEEEEEAAAAMS. Yes, that’s all going to happen.
Full Disclosure: The last part of this post was taken straight from the dream journal of Blake Lively’s publicist and has been republished here with permission.