Blake Lively Broke Leonardo DiCaprio's Heart
In one of the rooms of his multimillion dollar eco-friendly hybrid penthouse, Leonardo DiCaprio is crying all over the Australian model nipples of Alyce Crawford and only presses pause on his bawl bitch session to ask her to mutter like a Novocained up Mumbles with a peen in his mouth just like the love that got away Blake Lively! Now that Amy Winehouse is no longer here to do the honors, I guess somebody has to stick their head out of their apartment window to let out a woeful BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE as their hearts break like my nerves whenever I watch Blake Lively try to act.
Blake and Leo's 5-month-long whatever ended recently and UsWeekly says that it wasn't him, it was her. An "anonymous source" (If those quotation marks were wings they'd fly straight into the BlackBerry of Blake's publicist) tells UsWeekly that Leo was all ready to make the modeling world mourn the loss of their biggest man whore benefactor by turning in his DiCatchAHo membership card to settle down with Blake, but she just wasn't ready to domesticate. Today, bull shit smells a lot like Blake Lively's breath. The source put it like this:
"Blake wasn't ready to move to the next level. It was just too much, too quickly. Blake wasn't ready to settle down. He's looking for someone to eventually start a family with...That's not where she's at. She's only 24! He's more mature. They're not in the same place right now."
After Blake gnawed on the edges of Leo's heart and spit that shit out into the compost pile on his roof top deck like the cold-blooded, man-slurping (FYI: it's hard to eat when you've got a jaw made of Gummy Worms) bland widow that she is, she went off to Boston to make Ryan Reynolds her next victim. Once she turns Ryan into a puddle of sad tears and broken heart pieces, she'll get George Clooney to change his name to George Lively when he breaks his anti-marriage oath to marry the mumbler of his DREEEEEEEAAAAMS. Yes, that's all going to happen.
Full Disclosure: The last part of this post was taken straight from the dream journal of Blake Lively's publicist and has been republished here with permission.
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May be Blake needs to check out Best Leonardo DiCaprio Movies, which apparently contains all of the Leo's Movies and she can then learn oh.. He's a guy and I need to treat him that way.. not gay way...:P
Submitted by Naughychimp on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 10:20pm.
How does his Camp, which I assume is much better-funded, better-organized and better-practiced, allow her Camp to get away spreading this crap? Isn't he mortified to have the public imagine that he went all weepy and clingy over some 24 year-old TV girl? Shouldn't his publicist retaliate with a verbal smack-down, merrily pointing out that there's no way that Leo could have his heart broken by Mumbler?
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Well, if you believe that he's gay, then it definitely serves his camp's purpose for him to have his heart broken over and over again by a series of female lovelies. Makes it more believable why he doesn't marry.
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You must forgive my curiosity, madam, and open your knees.
How does his Camp, which I assume is much better-funded, better-organized and better-practiced, allow her Camp to get away spreading this crap? Isn't he mortified to have the public imagine that he went all weepy and clingy over some 24 year-old TV girl? Shouldn't his publicist retaliate with a verbal smack-down, merrily pointing out that there's no way that Leo could have his heart broken by Mumbler?
Of course Blake broke Leo's heart, she didn't have a dick.
Submitted by Hotmami on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 3:15pm.
Whatever. The reason she and Penn broke up (reportedly) was that SHE wanted to settle down and he didn't.
I call BS.She dated him for PR purposes,and seeing as she isn't exactly swimming in movie offers, he wasn't serving his purpose. End of story.
Can't believe I used to like her.
Yeah...it seemed that she was stalking him...the funny thing is NOBODY cares. LOL!
These two tricks, lol! Fuck off. Nobody cares.
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Bugs Bunny 'What's Opera, Doc?"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI (Beginning portion)
Dre,Eminem, Skylar- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA770wpLX-Q&ob=av3e
Lies.
A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
Blake couldn't figure Leo's out.
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You must forgive my curiosity, madam, and open your knees.
He's a mama's boy. That's one of the biggest relationship killers right there.
Well, they had to give an explanation to the "fans"
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http://tinyurl.com/69rcrqy
Whatever. The reason she and Penn broke up (reportedly) was that SHE wanted to settle down and he didn't.
I call BS.She dated him for PR purposes,and seeing as she isn't exactly swimming in movie offers, he wasn't serving his purpose. End of story.
Can't believe I used to like her.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
Riiiight. Like an upcoming, two-bit television actress like Blake L. wouldn't gnaw his peen down to a nub in gratitude, if the king of the world asked her to 'settle down'.
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SORRY WHORE! SERIOUSLY
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
i'm comforting a crying Leo
After their break-up,he decided to stop Hollywood life and to live in French country.He's my neighbour now and didn't have bio coffee so he rang at my door while i read the news of his break-up and he started to cry on my shoulder
You said "seriously". That wasn't one of my peeves, though. Someone else owns that one.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
What did I say?
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:25pm.
@dog ugh seriously. I have a bunch of leftover beer bottles. Malatov cocktails?
^^^^^^
SECURITY!!!!!!!!!! DWM SAID ONE OF THE NEW DLISTED FORBIDDEN WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
@dog ugh seriously. I have a bunch of leftover beer bottles. Malatov cocktails?
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:22pm.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:18pm.
Ah, well that explains the severed head in the back seat. But you're here. I'm here. Who's is it?????
*wonders where Cappy has been lately*
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I didn't want to do it but I HAD to.. she was cheating on me with that chick from work.
I'll clean up the back seat. Where is the bleach? In the madonna thread?
^^^^^^^^^^
I used the last of it to make grenades to lob at the trolls.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:18pm.
Ah, well that explains the severed head in the back seat. But you're here. I'm here. Who's is it?????
*wonders where Cappy has been lately*
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I didn't want to do it but I HAD to.. she was cheating on me with that chick from work.
I'll clean up the back seat. Where is the bleach? In the madonna thread?
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:05pm.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:03pm.
DWM, I guess you forgot the hitchhiker you picked up. That was HER idear!
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I couldn't just leave her on the side of the road.. she was so cute and she had that chainsaw.
^^^^^^^
Ah, well that explains the severed head in the back seat. But you're here. I'm here. Who's is it?????
*wonders where Cappy has been lately*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 1:03pm.
DWM, I guess you forgot the hitchhiker you picked up. That was HER idear!
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I couldn't just leave her on the side of the road.. she was so cute and she had that chainsaw.
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
leo got a bowling ball head
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
DWM, I guess you forgot the hitchhiker you picked up. That was HER idear!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by urmomma on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 11:49am.
I tried really hard to give a shit about this...now I have a hemorrhoid
Hahahaha!
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I'm sorry Ma'am, but our meat lovers pizza does not include penis. - Pizza Hut order# 27
I told you to get lube dog! What are we going to do with relish?
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
I was a Leoloonie until about age 21. Then I got over it.
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:50pm.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:46pm.
"Mouth" = backdoorbutthole
*runs away laughing*
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HEY! You get back here.. you don't say shit like that and then run away.
*throws flip flop at dog*
^^^^^^^^^
That's what you get for sneaking off with the Hoveround when I was buying wieners and relish!
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
horse.SHIT.
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"I have no snacks for you, only death." ~ annobanano, 08/03/2011
Submitted by suckandfuck on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:53pm.
HE HAS A STUPID SMUSHED TRAPEZOID FACE.
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bahahahahaha
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I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
HE HAS A STUPID SMUSHED TRAPEZOID FACE.
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Definitely thought she was older than 24.
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I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:46pm.
"Mouth" = backdoorbutthole
*runs away laughing*
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HEY! You get back here.. you don't say shit like that and then run away.
*throws flip flop at dog*
______________________________________________
"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
I dont think leo is all that great looking of a dude. he has a heart shaped face and a strange shaped head and squinty eyes and just an overall not so attractive look. ive seen guys at dennys at 3 am who are a thousand times hotter just crawling off the beach for breakfast. but im not gay, that is just a sincere, totally straight observation. i guess he has a whole lotta money and maybe height to him to make up for it.
oh yeah-like thats true...
As long as she keeps her long standing contract to keep sucking on Harvey Weinsteins peen we should still keep hearing her name....
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:20pm.
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:10pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:07pm.
Dog: LOL. Penis-people are men. Every once in a while I call them that. Don't know why.
^^^^^^
Too bad because I know speaking for DWM and myself, we'd want to know more about these creatures!
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Yes tell me more about these penis people.
*warms mouth up*
^^^^^^^
"Mouth" = backdoorbutthole
*runs away laughing*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Work it girl! She's so hot I got a ladytwicht watching her fuck Ben Affleck.
I smell something. It could either be a fart or bullshit. They're oddly similar.
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Try to be original, like the Colonel Sanders (may he rest in peace with his secret spices and shit). - urmomma
What kind of crap is this ho baking to pull these A-list dudes? And can I have the effing recipe?
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I'm sorry Ma'am, but our meat lovers pizza does not include penis. - Pizza Hut order# 27
I found him somewhat hot in The Departed. he looks like a little kid in Titanic.
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Oh God ,why don't you go sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle.
Do publicists know how transparent this crap is? Right, the no-talent climbing bimbo "rejected" the A-list bajillionaire star because she "wasn't ready" for commitment. Uh-huh. May I also interest you gullible Us Weekly readers in the purchase of the Brooklyn Bridge, the Eiffel Tower and some gen-u-wine solid gold $2 watches?
Their PR contract is up. This bearding interlude is over. NEXT.
I never found Leo hot at all, but recently I caught half of Romeo plus sign Juliette on TV and thought he did look pretty cute in it. Then I started to get freaked out that I am getting older and turning into one of those gays who goes after young girly boys.
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follow me, you know, if you feel like it - @myawfulroommate
Submitted by Dog on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:10pm.
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:07pm.
Dog: LOL. Penis-people are men. Every once in a while I call them that. Don't know why.
^^^^^^
Too bad because I know speaking for DWM and myself, we'd want to know more about these creatures!
--------------------------
Yes tell me more about these penis people.
*warms mouth up*
______________________________________________
"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
ololo MK why did you use a picture of Mila Jovovich in this post? Your shorts must be on too tight!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 10/06/2011 - 12:07pm.
Dog: LOL. Penis-people are men. Every once in a while I call them that. Don't know why.
^^^^^^
Too bad because I know speaking for DWM and myself, we'd want to know more about these creatures!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
That picture on the right is disturbingly suggestive of Axl Rose circa 1992. I saw a picture of him yesterday at some gig in Brazil and it was a real "Jesus take the wheel" moment.
Seems like her publicist took a creative writing course. Wish she would just implode and disappear.
Dog: LOL. Penis-people are men. Every once in a while I call them that. Don't know why.
those pics are hilarious. i got married @ 24 but then again i wasn't trying to perfect my instrument as an aspiring actress. bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Back in the day, early 20s may not have been "too young" to get married and settle down, but in today's society it definitely is. There are just too many distractions for young people today which conflict with the survival of an early marriage in the Western world.