Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she’s adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael’s. But it was worse!
Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I’m sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.
This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.
On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: “Martha does everything better! You can’t win! If I didn’t do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head.”
On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: “Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, ‘Now wrap these but don’t look inside.’”
On how Martha is like every other mother: “My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god’s sake! My mother’s dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she’s telling people to take their shoes off?”
On how Martha’s refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I’m getting from this mess of a quote): “There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food … There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind.”
On how Martha peed freely: “[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, ‘You know, now I have friends over! You can’t do that anymore! It’s gotta stop! My friends’ parents don’t do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It’s exhausting! I’m a kid! Stop!’”
I’ve heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she’s about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she’s going to come at all. This is nothing!
First of all, don’t most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn’t so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It’s so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!
Second of all, I would’ve loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would’ve saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I’d secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.
Besides, doesn’t Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!