Alexis Stewart Wants You To Know That Her Mom Pisses With The Door Open
Alexis Stewart has already stuffed her coin purse with wads of cash from throwing lukewarm shade at her mom Martha Stewart in that Whatever Martha radio show and now she's adding more zeros to her checking account by spilling more ESCANDALOSO (not really) secrets about her mother in a new tell-all memoir called Whateverland. One would think that living with Martha is like growing up in North Korea. Well, if North Korea had a Michael's. But it was worse!
Martha empties her piss bag with the door open! Martha lets her dogs do a poo thing all over her house! Martha made Alexis wrap her own Christmas presents! Seriously, I'm sure Christina Crawford is writing an open apology letter to Joan Crawford and thanking her not making her suffer through the kind of abuse that Alexis suffered from at the hand of Martha.
This is just some of the shit Alexis is whining about in her new book.
On how Martha was the original Tiger Mom: "Martha does everything better! You can't win! If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head."On how Martha is a genius who put her brat daughter to work even during the holidays: "Martha was not interested in being kid-friendly. She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'"
On how Martha is like every other mother: "My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs piss and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?"
On how Martha's refrigerator had bread, butter and cheese in it but not already made grilled cheese sandwiches (this is what I'm getting from this mess of a quote): "There was never anything to eat at my house. Other people had food. I had no food ... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."
On how Martha peed freely: "[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don’t feel like being embarrassed! It's exhausting! I'm a kid! Stop!'"
I've heard stories from people who have worked for Martha that make it sound like she's about as pleasant as fucking your pee hole with a hot glue gun, but Alexis really needs to come harder if she's going to come at all. This is nothing!
First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you! This is why they make brooms with extra-long handles. It isn't so you can clean the dust dingles from the ceiling. It's so you can beat the brats in the hallway while you piss with the door open!
Second of all, I would've loved it if my mom made me wrap my own Christmas presents. It would've saved me a lot of time and stress. I had to crawl through every closet and conduct some covert operations to find my Christmas presents. When (or if) I did find them, I had to wait for the perfect moment to drag them back to my bedroom. I'd secure the door with a chair under the knob and carefully remove the tape while trying not to tear the paper. If I got caught that present would go back. It was like trying to diffuse a bomb! My first pubic hair was a white one and I blame that on the stress caused by me trying to unwrap my Christmas gifts to see what I got. So if you ask me, Alexis had it too good.
Besides, doesn't Alexis know that her mom went to prison? You know what they do to snitches in prison. They make them sleep on 50-thread-count sheets when they come to visit their cell. The horror!
via UsWeekly
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Jesus Christ can't anyone keep their rich-family angst to themselves?? You know these two familial sluts were in cahoots with the writing of this mess. Please. We know mama Stewart's a bitch and we know her only child is a spoiled cunt. The fking end. FFS Get the fuck over yourselves.
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Bugs Bunny 'What's Opera, Doc?"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI (Beginning portion)
Dre,Eminem, Skylar- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA770wpLX-Q&ob=av3e
Heh. Alexis decided to get her "Mommie Dearest" crap out in the open BEFORE her mother died. She has cojones, I'll give her that.
I also wonder if she was aware that her mother used to get drunk at parties and then hit on anything with a penis. This was the subject of much snide gossip when I worked in NYC years ago. Apparently Martha wasn't too picky, either.
So true, I started using the bathroom with the door open because if my daughter wasn't in there with me, I have to be able to at least hear what kind of nonsense is going down, because you know it is going down. If they are in there with you, they just tell you it stinks or make comments about your genitals or wiping style..
"Submitted by the original be... on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 7:04pm.
"First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you!" YES! THIS!
Because that is inevitably the time the toddler tries to turn himself into a Smurf with a blue Sharpie that daddy left where he could reach it. Or decides to decorate his bedroom carpet with dish-soap after he wrassles the baby lock off the cabinet under the sink.
There's a method to Mama's madness!"
POOOHTEEEE!
"There was never anything to eat at my house.... There were ingredients but no prepared food of any kind."
Seriously??! You had to slap together your own sammich?? The HORROR! Talk to me when you have to eat bologna and cheese sandwiches (mustard was a bonus) for dinner you spoiled, self entitled bitch.
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YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY!!!! MOVE THE FUCK ON!
~But.Seriously.Folks
I grew up with a borderline personality/severely depressed mother who spent untold hours lying in bed. I made my own meals, washed my own laundry, etc from an early age. A mother who was upright and pissing would have been appreciated. One who was upright, pissing and worth untold million$ would have been a reason for celebration. Grow up Alexa.
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And pharmaceuticals were invented for me and Liza Minelli. ©2011 BjorkYou.
I piss with the door open too. But not when company is around.
Martha seems to enjoy her daughter's digs. I guess they both have nasty streaks.
.
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Submitted by caprica six on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 6:55pm.
Fuck both these princess-woe-tears-cold-slut bitches.
Fk off, the both of you whateverland west-side dry orgasm-less bitches. LMAO. STFU.
*orders painkiller-laced KY (cuz you know that's the only way these ice hos will get wet) for the Stewarts'. ugh.
sads. lol
Hahahaha.
Ewww, her ears are disgusting!!! She's a monkey-lookin' thing well-deserving of a surprise SLAP! to the face.
This emotionally-stunted 45yo lives in a $16 million NYC condo no doubt paid for by her mother. She should check herself before she wrecks herself.
"First of all, don't most abuelitas and mothers piss with the door open? How else are you going to see if the children are taking advantage of your pee situation by acting the fool? Closing the door when you pee is showing the children that you trust them which is a sign of weakness. They will use it against you!" YES! THIS!
Because that is inevitably the time the toddler tries to turn himself into a Smurf with a blue Sharpie that daddy left where he could reach it. Or decides to decorate his bedroom carpet with dish-soap after he wrassles the baby lock off the cabinet under the sink.
There's a method to Mama's madness!
Fuck both these princess-woe-tears-cold-slut bitches.
Fk off, the both of you whateverland west-side dry orgasm-less bitches. LMAO. STFU.
*orders painkiller-laced KY (cuz you know that's the only way these ice hos will get wet) for the Stewarts'. ugh. sads. lol
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Bugs Bunny 'What's Opera, Doc?"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI (Beginning portion)
Dre,Eminem, Skylar- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA770wpLX-Q&ob=av3e
Gawd, I pity Alexis' daughter.
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
I hope Martha leaves her billions to animal rescue charities.
The talentless, arse biter daughter is completely undeserving.
Shut the f up you arrogant c8nt! But Martha will have the last laugh, you know that crazy bitch will live to be 115.
POOOHTEEEE!
Poor Martha. She is up right up there with Cher. Two amazing women who have loser kids. I can't stand lesbian spoiled Alexa.
Uh, my mom came after me with a knife and never let me back in the house one day when I was 17. She used to spit in my face when I was a kid take scissors to my dresses as punishment.
Shut the fuck up, Alexis.
I heard Martha Stewart say on Rosie O'Donnell's old talk show that she always sleeps in her bedroom with the door open too. Rosie asked her "Well what if you have a man in there and you're having private time together?" Martha said "well you just make sure that no one else is home at the time." She explained that she is never comfortable at home unless all of the doors to the rooms are always open. Weird..
I loathe Alexis - she is very smug and not at all bright or articulate. However, I think this book is meant to be funny and I have no doubt that Martha is fine with it. Apparently the two of them have a volatile but very close relationship and Alexis says out loud what Martha only wishes she could. As much as I wish Martha would leave all her money to charity and make Alexis destitute, they are still one big "happy" family. It's Martha's ex, Alexis's dad, who's left out in the cold and has no contact with his daughter.
What an ingrate cunt that daughter is! The private education, unlimited healthcare, international entre, she's even gotten jobs from her mother. And this is the thanks she gives? If she hates her mom so much, tell her to fuck off and go work at a McDonald's in Kansas City. Otherwise, keep your pie hole closed and keep counting that bank.
What a little cunt daughter she is.
My friend's dad used to mow the front lawn in a lime green Spedo--- he didn't want tan lines.
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Menage a NO! NO! NO!-MK
Submitted by IrishFury on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 1:05pm.
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She knew where the body lay, and how it was positioned in the locked bedroom. She knew about the knife wounds.
The bloody footprint beneath the body was of a woman's in Amanda's shoe size, and in an American brand. They never found the bloody shoes, but they matched the size to hers.
Oh, and ETA, what about her blaming the black guy for the crime, even though he had nothing to do with them and wasn't even there? Or the racist stuff she said about Meredith, who was mixed race?
How old is this bitch? Does she really hate her mother or is this just part of her shtick? She looks/sounds like a smug, self entitled cunt. And her writing style is awful.
Kids (when they're little) will come in the bathroom no matter what you are doing, every time. After a while you just get used to doing your business with the door open and couldn't give a fuck less.
Thanks , fellow D-listers, i knew you would get joy out of that one, but that shit was not funny. The entire ride to my friends homes they were giggling their asses off in the backseat while i was praying for darkness, so nobody would pay attention to my Dad`s boxers. But his overweight milky white body produced it`s own florescent light, I swear to God. They still tease me about that shit, 20 years later.
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Well, aren't you just the cosmopolitan Queen Bee of Cuntsville? No, I'm sorry, of "Cuntropolis". Please excuse us in all of our inbred grandpa fucking glory. Karen Flatts, 09/21/11
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:47pm
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Hahahaha UBF. That's like your story of the horrible underpants when you were a little kid..I want to be sad for you, reaaallllly I do, but I can't stop laughting.
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Uncle B.F.
That story was just....beautiful!
LOL! (sorry!)
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Dark-sided!
Where are the transcripts of her knowing info that no-one but the murderer could have known? Or just give some info - I am not aware of this...
Part of the "DNA" evidence turned out to be bread on the knife, not flesh, for heaven's sake!
Also, the only confirmed foot print was that of her ex-boyfriend, not Amanda.
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Dark-sided!
DING DING!!! WINNER! WINNER!!!
"Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:47pm.
Ok, you whiney cunt, let me tell you what IS embarrasing. You are 15, you have friends over and they need a ride home cause they live 5 miles away. You walk into your house, the minute you enter the door you smell stale farts. You continue into the livingroom where your Dad passed out watching the Porn-channel in his undies. You wake your Dad and ask if he can drive your friends home. He says yeah, gets up, walks to the car in his underwear and drives your friends home JUST LIKE THAT.
Now THAT is embarrasing. Fuck off, you fucking brat."
@ Uncle - that is my new favorite story!
A high-school friend's dad used to feel up her mom while we were in the same room. Hands under the shirt. She never reacted or seemed embarassed - same-old same-old I guess. I, however, was mortified, especially since he'd stare at me while doing it. Creepy fucking pervert.
Submitted by IrishFury on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:29pm
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Her footprint was found under Meredith's body. She knew details of the crime that no one but the perpetrator could have known. How do you explain that?
Submitted by snowpiece: "On March 8, 2011, Stewart's daughter, Jude, was born. Stewart explained she named her daughter after SIRIUS Satellite Radio host Rude Jude."
AHA! See? Oh my god, this is going to be FUN to watch. I'm sure she's dressed to the nines in ironic little outfits and has the coolest little trendy accessories. I bet Alexis has soundproofed her bedroom so she doesn't have to hear the baby cry.
I think her desperation for a baby was all about inheritance. I bet Martha threatened to give all her money to charity unless she got a grandbaby.
This is the best write-up I've read about the Martha/Alexis Stewart story, and the comments are priceless.
That said, I think the book is supposed to be sort of tongue-in-cheek. It's not supposed to be taken seriously (and I think Martha herself probably got a chuckle out of it, but I could be wrong).
Them are strong words from a trust fund baby.
Ok, you whiney cunt, let me tell you what IS embarrasing. You are 15, you have friends over and they need a ride home cause they live 5 miles away. You walk into your house, the minute you enter the door you smell stale farts. You continue into the livingroom where your Dad passed out watching the Porn-channel in his undies. You wake your Dad and ask if he can drive your friends home. He says yeah, gets up, walks to the car in his underwear and drives your friends home JUST LIKE THAT.
Now THAT is embarrasing. Fuck off, you fucking brat.
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Well, aren't you just the cosmopolitan Queen Bee of Cuntsville? No, I'm sorry, of "Cuntropolis". Please excuse us in all of our inbred grandpa fucking glory. Karen Flatts, 09/21/11
Martha's awesome. Anyone who obeys the open door policy is cool in my book.
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*Beauty fades, but bitchiness gets better with age!* - MK
For all the shit Alexis throws, she's never worked for anyone but Mommy. They have a strange relationship. And Martha never wears anything but pants -- I can't remember ever seeing her in a dress.
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"Bitch, stop. We're not a family of Martha Fucking Stewarts."
Daughter scares me more than mom. I like she keeps the door open. After you have kids, the door is ALWAYS open!!
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Visit my husband's webcomic DUNGEON HORDES at http://www.drunkduck.com/dungeon_hordes
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I dont think they are going to let her go. An prove the the world that their police and justice system is shyte?
I was, admittedly, useless as a kid. That said, my mother was a big ol' control freak who couldn't bear to see anybody cook, clean, do laundry, etc. differently than she did, so she'd often just take the task away from us.
This bitch needs to stop. Wouldn't you be frigging embarrassed to ride your mother's coattails like this?
Sarah Smile
this morning I saw the newly released jail footage of when Casey Anthony saw the news that Caylee's remains had been found.
Solidified her guilt to me.
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:24pm.
So when are we going to find out if Amada Knox will go free or not?
1 hour.
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Submitted by gladyslove on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 11:19pm.
You name should be El Retardo.
IF
Nope, not sorry at all. The evidence is not even at the level of being circumstantial. It's simply not there. She has been villified for sure.
I dunno, Migraine Sally but I hope to Dog that she gets home before the end of the week. I don't care what all the nay-sayers bark about, she wasn't even there, there wasn't a shred of evidence (unless you call her fingerprints being on stuff in the house she lived in!) to be found, the Italian police are as corrupt as can be and State's evidence lied every time their lips moved.
And note the little boyfriend is never spoken about - only the pretty American that became a media target. The twisted every photo, every thing she did post-murder and made her out to be a monster - a sexual deviant, just because her Myspace nickname was FoxyKnoxy and there was one beautiful pic of her on display.
That poor girl did nothing and the British media has done nothing but libel her to infinity. I'm sorry Meredith died but like all Brit papers, they latch on to suspect #1 and never let go, again, esp. if she's a beautiful, young American female.
Are you sorry you asked??!!
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Dark-sided!
So when are we going to find out if Amada Knox will go free or not?
You know when a baby dies from being thrown in a dumpster and everyone wonders what he would have grown up to be?
He'd grow up to be suckandfuck.
So don't bash all these trashy moms who hit the dumpsters a few days after giving birth. They may have reasons you and I don't know about.
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Dark-sided!
Shouldn't she wait until AFTER the old bag is dead to write a MOMMIE DEAREST????
More mannerly, methinks.
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You must forgive my curiosity, madam, and open your knees.
at 12 i was changing the tires on our double wide
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
I hope to God this arrogant and ungrateful asshole is saving all of her pennies, because Martha may just cut her out of her will toot suite. I know I would.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Mon, 10/03/2011 - 12:10pm.
MY PARENTS DROPPED ME OFF IN THE JUNGLES OF VIETNAM IN 1968 WHERE I TAUGHT MYSELF HOW TO MAKE PHO, SKIN TIGERS IN ORDER TO MAKE A TENT, AND HOW TO SUCK THE YELLOW CUM OUT OF OLD VIETNAMESE MEN FOR A COCA COLA SO BOO HOO ALEXIS!!
DANG!
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Submitted by gladyslove on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 11:19pm.
You name should be El Retardo.