Andy Rooney’s enchanting and extraordinary magical cloud puff eyebrows that have been tickling my retinas since the beginning of my time.
It’s the end of an era today, because Andy Rooney’s night nurse will wheel him off of 60 Minutes front porch for the final time and next Sunday you’ll close your eyes in your sleeping bed while feeling a little bit more empty inside, because you didn’t get a dose of his signature old coot whine before the Amazing Race. Literally thousands of years after his inaugural rant about that shady queen Methuselah, Pepaw Rooney’s bitch and moan finale (his 1097th) will air on 60 minutes tonight.
No more fresh commentary from the Statler and Waldorf swirl in a Sears Roebuck suit about how Cornflakes are no longer 15 cents a box and how them whippersnappers today need to listen to more Ella Fitzgerald instead of that Lady Bieber feller. We won’t get anymore insightful investigations about how many peanuts are in a can of mixed nuts. But more importantly, our TV screens are saying goodbye to one of the most iconic eyebrow situations in the world!!!!!!
Andy Rooney’s brows are this world’s forebrows and if it wasn’t for those double bushels of cat whiskers over his eyes, none of us would have eyebrows! Andy’s got the Adam & Eve of brows! George Washington’s ponytail was modeled after Andy’s luscious brows and some say that God used Andy’s eyebrows as inspiration when he was creating the clouds in the sky. Andy’s angel wing brows are history!
When Andy is in your face, verbally snarling at you because he says you blink too loud, you can’t be mad at him when the white hair tentacles on his face are poking at your cheeks.
So farewell, Andy, I will miss your pointless grouchy rants that are the verbal equivalent of an oldie loudly unwrapping a piece of hard candy in the middle of a theater during the quietest part of a movie, but mostly I’ll miss your brows. May heaven be a place where all of us have patches of unicorn pubes over our eyes like Andy does.