Like The Birth Of Venus Incarnate

Grab your prayer cloth, tell your local priest that you’ll be sleeping in his confessional booth tonight and click over to TMZ to see seventeen-something Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old creepy husband Doug Hutchison pose in a photo shoot that will make you laugh to keep from crying as your skin crawls off of your body to throw itself in the garbage disposal.

In a completely staged photo shoot that looks like stills from a Tales of the Crypt episode inspired by Heidi and Spencer, Doug’s teenage porn iguana bride shows off her trompe-l’oeil abs, exquisite arm bracelet, the spray tan that looks like it was applied with a Nerf gun and her pushed-up illegal titty balls that are being suffocated by a bikini top that is more padded than the room Courtney’s mother should be thrown in. I also cannot ignore the fact that Beverly McClellan from The Voice needs to throw a copyright infringement lawsuit at Doug since it’s obvious that he’s stolen her entire image.

These pictures are so going to end up in an FBI’s file in a couple of years when all of this does not end well. On a positive note, Courtney’s magical ability to float along the sand in platform heels has earned her a coveted spot in Shauna Sand’s royal court.

And since we’ve already fucked ourselves up by looking at this mess, let’s fuck ourselves up all the way by listening to one of Courtney’s “songs:”

I shouldn’t joke, because this will probably become our new national anthem. It is the reason why the bald eagle cries.