BREAKING: Angie Jo Got Zahara’s Ears Pierced

Don’t believe the part in The Holy Bible that says all of the tiny deities of Brangelina can naturally grow diamonds from their ear lobes. That bible story was proven as a myth the other day when St. Angie Jo took Zahara and Shiloh to get their lobes shot up with gold studs at some salon in London. Yes, just like us mere mortals, the blessed ears of the ethereal messiahs spit out lobe smegma when they go through the rite of passage known as the ear piercing infection.

This gripping tale of determination and the suffering of a child messiah comes to us from some anonymous source who tells UsWeekly that Shiloh quickly backed away from the ear piercing gun after Zahara started to scream for her godfather Jesus to save her. The source said this mess: “The eldest girl picked out some pretty 18-carat gold studs and gave them to her mom. The piercing gun was a bit too painful for her and she screamed then burst into tears. She was saying it felt like a stapler, so her little sister changed her mind about having hers done. Angelina bought them another little gift to make sure they both felt special.”

That warmness you feel all around you after reading that riveting story is the same feeling Moses felt when he saw the celestial light of God radiating from the volcano. Your life is complete.

But seriously, Shiloh and Zahara are a bunch of weaklings who don’t know what REAL suffering is! I didn’t have the luxury of putting my lobe under the fancy piercing gun of a fancy British professional at some fancy salon in fancy London. My mom crushed my dreams by refusing to take me to Spencer’s Gifts to get my “straight ear” pierced. I had to get in a hot bath, numb the lobe of my other gay ear with ice and then try to shove my abuelita’s knitting needle into that shit. My dreams were crushed again when I couldn’t do it and the amethyst earring I stole from my mother never made it into my lobe. That’s true suffering right there.

And yes, I’m now just realizing that me wearing an amethyst stud completely defeats the whole purpose of the stupid “straight ear” thing.