Tommy Got A Haircut!

September 28, 2011 / Posted by:

There’s a good reason for why Tommy Cruise has that beauty shop glow about him like he just hopped off of two booster seats on a hairdresser’s chair and sucked in attention from old ladies who gave him lollipops while telling him what a handsome mister man he is, because that’s what just happened!

The bad news that made Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole frown is that he had to cut the luscious locks that even took the breath away from Helene Curtis herself. Every time Tommy swept into the door of the Scientology sauna, the boys always hummed out the Salon Selectives song. That’s not going to happen anymore. But the good news is that Tommy now looks like k.d. lang in her Vanity Fair cover days and that’s an upgrade!

Tommy worked his butch bitch haircut in NYC yesterday and Pittsburgh today while getting ready to shoot the movie One Shot. Tommy is going to play the character of Jack Reacher who in the book is a 6’5″ 250lb blond policeman. HA. Tommy is supposed to be taller and they cut that tiny bitch’s hair? They should’ve given him a bouffant beehive instead. The only way Tommy can look 6’5″ is if the other cast members are made up of the living members of the Lollipop Guild, the Little Chocolatiers, Matt Roloff, Ryan Gaycrest, Snooki, the Monopoly Scottie Dog, hamsters in bonnets and the Baby Jesuses from Modern Family. Even then, Tommy would have to stand on his tippity tip tip toes on an apple box and they’d have to stretch him in post-production Paula Abdul-style.

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