Open Post: Hosted By The Silver Fox Losing His Spinach Virginity

I’m not a Nielsen family, but I record myself watching Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show live every single day and then I send that disc off to whoever counts the ratings with a note that reads: COUNT THIS! COUNT THIS! Because I am a very supportive imaginary stalker boyfriend no matter what. But after every episode, I change out of my AC Show-watching uniform (aka a Gloria Vanderbilt denim jumpsuit) while asking myself: What in three fucks are you doing, Andy?!

Don’t get my allegiance wrong, I’d watch Mah Boo wax the fur off of every Kardashian’s ass for three hours straight (he’s saving that for sweeps), but damn his show can be ridiculous. And Andy earned himself a permanent place on top of his own RidicuList during yesterday’s show when he revealed something personal that he’s never publicly admitted: HE’S NEVER PUT SPINACH IN HIS MOUTH! Even Olive Oyl was like, “And, Andy?”

Andy could’ve at least pulled some Maury shit by pretending he suffered from some a spinach phobia. That way when they brought out the plate of spinach, he could’ve jumped through that window wall and glided to safety on the trail of bubbles that come out of his mouth when he giggles. But no, he just made gross faces while eating the spinach. Don’t even bring up the fact that Andy doesn’t drink coffee when I drink so much that I practically shit out Tiramisu.

That being said, you know I still recorded Andy saying “It’s slithery!” and programmed that into my electronic talking lube bank.