RiRi Needs To Take Her Titty Balls To Church, So Says A Northern Irish Farmer

A farmer from Northern Ireland, who obviously didn’t know that the demure Barbadian pearl that is RiRi never leaves her oyster without her chichi cleavage out, jumped out of his tractor and covered the innocent eyes of his wheat stalks with tiny blindfolds after he drove by and noticed that she was shaking her goodies all over the place.

61-year-old Alderman Alan Graham gave RiRi permission to shoot the video for her single “We Found Love” on his grain field in Bangor, but he immediately shut down her ho shit behavior when his pure eyes burned from the smoke of hot sin wafting off of her red hanky breasts. Alderman Alan Graham jumped off his tractor and chased RiRi around the field while trying to cleanse her skanktimonious soul with the bible passages that came out of his mouth. Once Alderman rid his fields of RiRi’s dark-sided mammaries, he had this to say to the BBC:

“I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did. I had my conversation with Rihanna and I hope she understands where I’m coming from. We shook hands.

I didn’t know who was coming. If the name ‘Rihanna’ had been mentioned, well, no disrespect but it wouldn’t have meant anything. From my point of view, it was my land, I have an ethos and I felt it was inappropriate.

I wish no ill will against Rihanna and her friends. Perhaps they could acquaint themselves with a greater God.”

Something tells me this has less to do with the fact that Farmer Alan thinks that RiRi needs to gently lay her tits on the altar and get right with the Lord, and more with the fact that her yodeling voice makes crucifixes turn upside down. How can Farmer Alan expose his grain field to the sounds of the Illuminati goat farm?