Jessica Simpson Is Probably Knocked Up

September 27, 2011 / Posted by:

The questions “How is babby formed?” and “Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?” might hit Jessica Simpson’s Twitter page any day now, because InTouch Weekly says that the permanent food baby in her belly has magically transformed into an actual human baby. BLIND ITEM SOLVED (maybe)!

Jessica and her rent-to-own piece Eric Johnson were supposed to get married last summer, but they pushed that shit back to November after she successfully fell for the oldest trick in the gold digging book. Eric told Jessica that he had to poke holes in the condom or else his dick would suffocate. SUCCESS!

The source said this about the baby that will hopefully defy the odds by being born with at least 3 brain cells (that’s 2.95 more brain cells that its parents have combined):

“She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.

Now, despite the fact that there will be one more “guest” (and that “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit”), their plans to marry in November haven’t changed.

While it’s true that not everyone would consider the timing ideal, the friend says the couple considers the baby to be “the best wedding gift ever.” Luckily, she’s not due ’til spring, leaving them just enough time to be newlyweds before new parents.

How is Jessica eating melted Snickers soup with a Doritos crouton on top any different than what goes down her food hole on a daily basis?

And as Papa Joe makes himself a giant breast pump costume in the basement, Vanessa Manilafolders is trolling the streets of Manila looking for a Filipino orphan baby with a huge rack and a woodchuck face who could pass as her and Nick Lachey’s child. Jessica is NOT going to beat Vanessa to a very special “Ahs Finally Have The Baby Of My Dreams!” cover of Life & Style. Even if Vanessa has to slather grape jelly on that Filipino orphan, shove it up her twat and then push it out in front of the paparazzi, Jessica is not going to win ever!

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