Jessica Simpson Is Probably Knocked Up
The questions "How is babby formed?" and "Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?" might hit Jessica Simpson's Twitter page any day now, because InTouch Weekly says that the permanent food baby in her belly has magically transformed into an actual human baby. BLIND ITEM SOLVED (maybe)!
Jessica and her rent-to-own piece Eric Johnson were supposed to get married last summer, but they pushed that shit back to November after she successfully fell for the oldest trick in the gold digging book. Eric told Jessica that he had to poke holes in the condom or else his dick would suffocate. SUCCESS!
The source said this about the baby that will hopefully defy the odds by being born with at least 3 brain cells (that's 2.95 more brain cells that its parents have combined):
“She’s already having kooky cravings!” a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — “which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet” — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas.Now, despite the fact that there will be one more “guest” (and that “Jessica might have to take out her dress a bit”), their plans to marry in November haven’t changed.
While it’s true that not everyone would consider the timing ideal, the friend says the couple considers the baby to be “the best wedding gift ever.” Luckily, she’s not due ’til spring, leaving them just enough time to be newlyweds before new parents.
How is Jessica eating melted Snickers soup with a Doritos crouton on top any different than what goes down her food hole on a daily basis?
And as Papa Joe makes himself a giant breast pump costume in the basement, Vanessa Manilafolders is trolling the streets of Manila looking for a Filipino orphan baby with a huge rack and a woodchuck face who could pass as her and Nick Lachey's child. Jessica is NOT going to beat Vanessa to a very special "Ahs Finally Have The Baby Of My Dreams!" cover of Life & Style. Even if Vanessa has to slather grape jelly on that Filipino orphan, shove it up her twat and then push it out in front of the paparazzi, Jessica is not going to win ever!
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Jessica's coochie must stay hungry...it's always eating the crotch of her pants or shorts.
Mickey - I'd say judging from those pics, more like 7 months, end of her 2nd trimester.
Or, she's just getting REALLY fat.
Serious Jessica Simpson cameltoe (back when she was rather hot):
http://www.paperchaserdotcom.com/profiles/blogs/camel-toe-fo-sho-jessica
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"Thank God the water here is warm, because my swimsuit was quite small." (Theologian, climatologist, model V. Budd)
Does she always sport a huge camel toe or is this one a special Maternity Edition?
"If I once had a scorching hot body and then gained 40lbs (that's my guess, and actually that's exactly what happened to me!), I would wear longer shorts."
At a certain point, one must simply give up shorts entirely. Long shorts look even dumpier, which is sad and counterintuitive. Skirts are your friend, Jess.
Sarah Smile
If she's pregnant, I'm happy for the both of them and I wish them the best for a healthy baby and a happy marriage. But man-oh-man, is she going to blow up......
"Jess. You in danger, girl."
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
"How is babby formed" makes me cry with laughter everytime!!!!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
Of course, she's a fucking slob so I would HOPE she's pregnant
Fat old fish + hot-looking young homosexual = mucho dinero pagado!
Fat old fish + hot-looking young homosexual = mucho dinero pagado!
If I once had a scorching hot body and then gained 40lbs (that's my guess, and actually that's exactly what happened to me!), I would wear longer shorts. But I can't hate on someone for not hating their bigger body.
Pregnant stinkfish!
How much $$$$$$$$ does jessica pay to that scorching hot homosexual to be her 'boy friend'?
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Wed, 09/28/2011 - 1:24am.
lol hotpocket....
I like Rusty, my heart dropped when I read that. People I don't know or like, I roll my eyes. :)
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Ha, I know you're just funnin. He's a smart one, it's good to poke in the ribs once in awhile. But he needs to lay off the tequila tonight. Rusty! You have work in the morning, you hear? *waiting for stern rebuke*
lol hotpocket....
I like Rusty, my heart dropped when I read that. People I don't know or like, I roll my eyes. :)
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Blaming it all on the nights on Broadway
Singing them love songs
Singing them straight to the heart songs
Blaming it all on the nights on Broadway
Singing them sweet sounds, to that crazy, crazy town
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Wed, 09/28/2011 - 1:09am.
Oh Rusty, you did NOT just write "supposably".
nonononononononononononononono................
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Yup, he meant supposedly, but he's drinking with me and it's late. I called continents countries at 4am the other night, it happens. Cheers Rusty
Oh Rusty, you did NOT just write "supposably".
nonononononononononononononono................
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Blaming it all on the nights on Broadway
Singing them love songs
Singing them straight to the heart songs
Blaming it all on the nights on Broadway
Singing them sweet sounds, to that crazy, crazy town
SWIM knows the simpson family well, as you may or may not have seen me post before. if she's pregnant it is a very guarded secret - people have told us they dont know. the only person that would be whispering shit to tabloids about it is her creepy ass father, and i wouldnt put it past him.
and come on with the nick/jessica shit. contract marriage to make them both famous and it worked.
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A baby's first words should not be: "DEATH DON'T TAKE ME NOW!!!" - MK
He was supposably 6'3" and 252 lbs. when he played for the Niners. Since then, I think he's gotten lighter and shorter.
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"Thank God the water here is warm, because my swimsuit was quite small." (Theologian, climatologist, model V. Budd)
Big fucking deal....another famous person being pregnant so the media will kiss their ass for 9 months.
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I'm on top of the world, looking down on Creation and the only explanation I can find....is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the Top of the World
@TrashyWilma
Are you sure you should be working anywhere
near pregnant women? Clearly you've got the sensitivity of a Morlock. Shame that, because you've got a great avie.
" The thing about love is you're always at its mercy"
Judging from these pics the pregnancy is coming along nicely. Third trimester?
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2042216/Jessica-Simpson-pre...
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Who are you calling silly cow
If she is pregnant,I believe she is happy about it. She's alway wanted children.
But I guarantee that deep down, she's not satisfied with Eric. I think she regrets leaving Nick and that she kinda died on the inside when he married Vanessa.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
Anyone who allows a parent that much control over their adult life is a moron. The father totally ruined her marriage to that boy bander and it's just...weird. She reeks of desperation IMO.
She's always pregnant
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http://tinyurl.com/69rcrqy
She is now between wedlocks, and since she only fucks within wedlock, does that mean this child is Jesus?
And she is virgin Mary..?
Can we just discuss that tragic camel-toe situation??
I really miss her Dessert line of body sprays. That chocolate toffee scent was magic.
http://smellmybutt.tumblr.com/
I work closely with two pregnant women. Apparently it's an excuse to eat like a pig while ignoring the fact that you're easily gaining 80 lbs of blubber in addition to 30 lbs of baby. One of them drinks a gallon of chocolate milk before lunch. Revolting.
http://smellmybutt.tumblr.com/
"I actually bought and love a pair of JS sunglasses..."
Me, too! I got them at a discount at Burlington Coat Factory.
He's unattractive and doofy--JS has downgraded from Nick. But, I have no hate for the girl--she seems like a decent sort and I actually bought and love a pair of JS sunglasses--wear them all the time.
Hopefully the creepy pervert father will butt out. God he's odious.
yeah, I'm in the minority here but she doesn't bug me much. good on her if she's knocked up, and even better if she's happy. hopefully she doesn't get conned too badly by this hipster k-fed.
however, I can certainly do without the hypocritical faux christian bs she and too many others «cough courtney stodden jonas brothers cough» try to push. it's such transparent bullshit and makes ' em look like even more of an asshole when the inevitable sex tape/divorce/crack whoring/gay bathroom cruising finally comes to light.
Submitted by Hekki on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 7:01pm.
He's kinda cute.
Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm happy for her. I think she'll be all googly and in love with her baby. And I think it will be good for her. Honestly, I wish the best for her.
She might be a dumb, big-tittied frog, but I don't get any malicious vibes from her, and she's weathered a bunch of shit and still keeps on keepin' on.
Not exactly a fan, but I'm rooting for her happiness and success.
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Me too. She seems harmless enough. I'm glad that she built a business off her fame instead of turning tricks for crack.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
Submitted by rocklobster on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 8:34pm.
1 - I will not make the obvious gas joke.
2 - I will not make any Daisy jokes.
addendum
3 - I will not kiss daddy on the lips today
1 - I will not make the obvious gas joke.
2 - I will not make any Daisy jokes.
"Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?"
She's ditzy, MK, she's not a lolcat.
Submitted by NO1CURR on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:32pm.
Submitted by Nancy Grace on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:30pm.
............I read all of that in Nancy Grace's voice. brb, gotta vom.
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ROFL, same here.
All I could think of was that voice, the content of the post, the caps and...
GROSS! I'M GONNA VOM NOW, KKTHANKSBYE.
Submitted by louise_brooks on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:33pm.
Eh. He looks like a missing member of Kings of Leon.
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HA HA! True - so does BritBrit's piece.
She's rocking a mean looking camel-toe.
Submitted by Anonymoussss on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:43pm.
Submitted by Winnyfranfran on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 5:59pm.
So she saved herself for marriage to get divorced and have a baby out of wedlock? Those wacky Christians!
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She also allegedly aborted John Mayer's baby.
I would have,too.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
Gosh, I hope she's ready for motherhood. Some young women are so caught up in partying, spray tanning and toga parties, that they forget they have a child drugged in the trunk of the car. Go figure...
Chloroform, anybody?
Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:19pm.
Submitted by Hotmami on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:03pm.
I almost wish it was like Tudor-times...when you were engaged, it was referred to as pre-contracted (so romantic),and you were considered married in the eyes of God. You just didn't have the paper to show. Therefore, procreation was ok.
Then maybe there would be less judging about people who have babies before they are married.
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LOL, that just made me think of The Tudors. Procreation is OK, until the mom gets beheaded and the kid gets disowned. :-P
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Hahahahaaha!!!
He's kinda cute.
Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm happy for her. I think she'll be all googly and in love with her baby. And I think it will be good for her. Honestly, I wish the best for her.
She might be a dumb, big-tittied frog, but I don't get any malicious vibes from her, and she's weathered a bunch of shit and still keeps on keepin' on.
Not exactly a fan, but I'm rooting for her happiness and success.
Submitted by Winnyfranfran on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 5:59pm.
So she saved herself for marriage to get divorced and have a baby out of wedlock? Those wacky Christians!
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She also allegedly aborted John Mayer's baby.
I don't believe anything that manly could have a womb, and the weight gain has lasted well over 9 months so far. Dumb bitch has probably just misidentified one of her really big farts.
Submitted by NO1CURR on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:24pm.
Those shorts are making my cooter hurt.
yes. lol.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by Winnyfranfran on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 5:59pm.
So she saved herself for marriage to get divorced and have a baby out of wedlock? Those wacky Christians!
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She's a Christian in name only. The whole family sold out for the Hollywood crap.
Eh. He looks like a missing member of Kings of Leon.
Submitted by Nancy Grace on Tue, 09/27/2011 - 6:30pm.
............I read all of that in Nancy Grace's voice. brb, gotta vom.
I HEARD RUMORS THAT JESSICA HAD A HARD TIME GETTING PREGNANT BECAUSE OF ALL THE INFECTIONS SHE GOT FROM HAVING ANAL SEX WITH NICK BEFORE THEIR MARRIAGE "TO KEEP HERSELF A VIRGIN". SHE WOULD LET NICK FUCK HER IN THE ASSHOLE, BUT THEN IN THE HEAT OF PASSION SHE'D WANT HIM TO STICK "JUST THE TIP" IN HER P-HOLE...ASS TO VAG IS DEFINITELY NOT ONE OF THE MORE SANITARY SEXUAL KINKS (NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW!)....