The Mystery Of January Jones’ Baby Father Lives On

One of the world’s greatest modern mysteries behind “What is that shit Taco Bell puts between a taco shell?” will not be answered today. January Jones is not unmasking the face of the dude who owned the sperm fish that took a chisel to the frozen shell that surrounds her icy ovary egg and pushed itself in. TMZ says that the birth certificate of her son, Xander Dane Jones, is completely blank on the spot where the daddy’s name goes. Basically, January pretty much wrote: “If I did know, I still wouldn’t tell you prying cunts.”

The names Matthew Vaughn, Bobby Flay, Xander Berkley and Jason Sudeikis have all been thrown around as possibilities for the dude who will answer his door in 18 years to find a half ice cube, half human asking him, “Are you my daddy?” But I hope January keeps her face lips shut about this shit. January’s heart is as frozen as a lima bean bag left in a hoarder’s freezer and she’s the kind of cunt that gives Heather Mills an inferiority complex, so this little bit of daddy mystery only makes me love her ice cold ass even more.

But we all know why January is really keeping the identity of her baby’s father a secret from the public. January lets out a bitchified smile every time she thinks of Maury Povich waking up in the middle of the night with the cold sweats because he knows he will never ever live to see the day where he gets to publicly tell the true dad of January’s baby that he IS the father.

January: 1, Maury: ziiiiilch