Kirstie Alley Didn’t Want To Have Fat Sex

Mo’Nique has this part in her act on the Queens of Comedy where she says that she can’t fuck with a fat dude, because it ends up being a slow-moving whirlpool of wheezes, regrets, under fupa sweat and cock-blocking guts. Basically, Mo’Nique says it’s about as exhausting as putting Ikea furniture together without instructions and getting two fat people to fuck should probably be a puzzle game on Survivor. Kirstie Alley apparently knows what Mo’Nique is talking about, because she tells People that before she dropped 100lbs (FYI: 100lbs in Kirstie Alley weight is like 60lbs in real life weight) from her body, she stayed away from hard peen for one reason.

Kirstie says her coochie pot pie went cold, because she couldn’t free her fat and just go with it. Kirstie explains, “I didn’t like the way I looked, and I didn’t want to have fat sex. What I’m looking for is to be madly, deeply in love. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want in a man. I want someone who has my baby back ribs, who is courageous and brave.”

Didn’t want to have fat sex? This bitch could’ve fooled me. Every time I went to Kirstie’s Twatter page during her “fat days,” I’d have to bring a Bounty paper towel along to wipe the extra thick panty pudding she’d spray on my monitor screen from going on and on about Jamie Foxx. When Kirstie wasn’t creaming at the tips about Jamie Foxx, she was creaming at the tips about Jamie Foxx. Kirstie needs to stop acting like she didn’t eat everything and the crust when that Jamie Foxx impersonator she hired delivered his (NSFW unless you work in the Scientology offices) Big Sausage Pizza to her doorstep.

Kirstie is only saying this shit, because she wants everybody to believe that if they sign up for her stupid Organic Liasons crap, you’ll drop the chunk and your life will be so much better in every way. Kirstie, put your mouth on John Travolta’s butt plug and shut it. Even if you echoed my mother’s claim and said that when a dude loses weight his peen grows a little bit, I still wouldn’t sign up for Organic Liasons. (Cut to me eating two 100 calorie Oreo packs instead of three.)