Hot Slut Of The Day!

Siameze Floyd from last night’s premiere of The X-Factor!

I only made it through the first hour of last night’s two-hour long Pepsi and Chevrolet commercial, but I did learn that The X-Factor is just like American Idol except it has more random audience screeches, a lot more WWE lighting effects and less Vicodin-induced insanity from Pharmaceutical sweetheart Paula Abdul. Really. That shit’s host Steve Jones is about as useless as that unflavored heffa Nicole Scherminger, so I’m assuming that the producers only hired his ass because crazy Paula Abdul is enchanted by his magical accent. That makes it easy for Steve Jones to lure her into a spot marked X on the floor where a net falls and traps Paula so that a team of mental health professionals can sedate her before every show. That’s really why he’s there. Speaking of magical accents, It’s a shame that they deported Cheryl Cole by throwing her on the Mayflower and sending her back to the Motherland, because even though her accent made my lobes stretch themselves up to my ear holes so they can plug ’em, I like her.

And did that mess seem even sappier than American Idol? All those damn manufactured WAH WAH WAH sob stories that are supposed to pull out your heartstrings and shit. If you’re not a recovering heroin head who is forced to work 8 jobs (on top of the soup kitchen you run from your backyard garden shed) to take care of the 15 paraplegic orphans you adopted, don’t even bother applying for a reality show because you aren’t going to win shit. But I digress.

Thank JESUS (aka Paula Abdul’s Lithium bead rosary) that I did watch the first hour of that shit, because my eyes got to witness a candy-coated Phoenix rising from the asshole of a glittery unicorn. Siameze Floyd has the twerk of Rick James’ anus after a hooker sprinkles low-grade coke on it, the infinityhead of a thousand rising RiRis, the tang of Prince sipping grape soda through a flamingo straw, the knee sliding skills of a hooker trying to give head to a bitch doing the Moonwalk, the wardrobe of a bootleg Lafayette impersonator and the priceless artistry of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Siameze Floyd IS entertainment.

How can your ass cheeks not clap for a Lollipop Guild refugee who is obviously the secret love child of James and Nomi from Showgirls?!