As even the psychic cat with the dusty turban on the Santa Monica Promenade predicted, Brad Pitt’s whole “I was a boring pile of stale weed shank during my marriage to Jennifer Aniston” shit scooted its ass along every damn tabloid cover this week and has once again pushed us down into the dark ages where we can’t even buy Astroglide and some pork rinds without their faces staring at us in the checkout line at KMart. Every time one of those bitch’s brings up each other’s name, a black cat breaks a mirror under a ladder and it’s another 30 years of bad luck for all of us! But let’s get into this shit anyway.
UsWeekly is saying that Jennifer Aniston stopped knitting the words Mrs. Theroux on her favorite ice cream tub cozy (Note: I can’t believe ice cream tub cozies exist) to briefly roll an eye at Brad and apparently her team of publicists demanded he fart out an “I’m Sowwy“ about that shit he said. Their source says, “They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act — the only way you can read the riot act to Brad Pitt. No one believes his words were taken out of context — he said what he said. I do hear that he’s remorseful. We think he’s jealous she’s in love.” Which leads me to OK! Magazine...
OK!’s sources say that Brad’s jealousy chip is burning up over the fact that Jennifer Aniston is no longer a miserable lonely-ling who uses her dog’s first name as the groom’s name when she fills out online wedding registries for fun on a Sunday afternoon. The source said that Brad is trying to drag Jen down. The source said this mess: “Brad’s got a real competitive, vicious streak, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s jealous. Justin is everything Brad couldn’t be. He adores Jen; Jen is deeply in love with Justin. And she’d fallen in and out of love with Brad during their marriage.” Which leads me to InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life)….
InTouch Weekly is saying that Brad isn’t the one wants to turn Jen’s smile face into a frown face. It’s St. Angie! CRASH! BOOM! LIGHTING! ETC! They say that St. Angie promised Brad that if he threw shade at Jen in an interview, her hamster cooch would spit out his old nutsack and she’d let him spend some quality time with them. The source explained, “It’s as if Angelina specifically told Brad to say those things in the interview. It’s her exact opinion of Jen. She thinks she’s a boring person. Angelina has a knack for getting Brad to say unpleasant things about Jen.”
And FINALLY, during an interview with Matt Lauer on Today (via People) Brad said that he wants all the kids in the playground to stop poking at Aniston and to leave her alone:
“I don’t want [people] to say anything bad like that about Jen. She’s a dear friend of mine. I think it’s a shame that I can’t say something nice about Angie without Jen being drug in. She doesn’t deserve it.”
Brad, please take your own advice, sprinkle it on some papers, roll the biggest joint you’ve ever rolled and then smoke it up real slow. That will keep your mouth busy. Maddox will do the talking for you from on. Yes, Maddox will still say some real shit about Aniston, but at least he’ll put some sparkly stank on it!
And all of us deserve a prize for going through that mess together, so here’s a pussy fight with some real entertainment value:
See. Garden cats know how to end some bullshit. Just push that bitch off the ladder.