Being A Crazed Crackhead Asshole Pays Off
I didn't spend one minute with the premiere of Hobo Yanni on Two and a Half Men or Comedy Central's Annual Douche Barbecue, because if I want to slowly torture all of my senses, then rainbow sequins and satin-slathered crotch bulges must be involved (see: Dancing with the Sores). But Charlie could give three tiger clits and a warlock dick (Side note: Googling "warlock dick" taught me is the name of the man who played psychotic human killer Michael Meyers. There has to be a connection there somewhere.) that some of us didn't watch the pimples on his ass lips get flambéed by comics and Steve-O. Charlie don't care, because he's too busy drawing up blueprints for his planned tunnel to Colombia with rest stops at the finest underground whore houses in Mexico and South America.
TMZ reports that Charlie and Warner Bros. have settled their fight over the warlock cock bag getting kicked off of Two and a Half Men. WB will cut Charlie a $25 million check in a couple of weeks for work he has already done on the show. On top of that, Charlie will get around $100 million over the next 10 years for syndication profits. If you were drawing yourself as a She-Ra character on your paper bag book cover during math class and missed the whole "adding and subtracting" part like I did, then let me do the calculator work for you and tell you Charlie is going to get at least $125 million for this shit.
The thing that hurts me in the soul most about this news is that it brought back the hash tag from hell #WINNING. The good news is that this new mountain of cash will keep Charlie busy while keeping the bad shit and porn pussy peddling trades alive. And if that doesn't keep Charlie busy, then somebody please tell him that it looks like he has a pair of hair tits on his head. Trying to motorboat his hair will keep Charlie from leaving the house for the next few weeks.
• 
How the hell did he go from that good-looking Wall Street actor, to, this?
(Lilo, are you paying attention?)
On the bright not so bright side 2012 is coming?
Submitted by becky n sydney on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 5:04pm.
I hope he puts a little money aside for the purchase of a tasteful tie.
*************************************
Carlos absolutely cannot dress for shit. He has terrible taste and always looks slightly disheveled in his ill-fitting, cheap-looking outfits.
During his manic phase last spring, he must have worn that hideous, tacky green T-shirt with the $ sign at ten different appearances. He looked like he smelled bad, too--and probably did at that time.
I hope he puts a little money aside for the purchase of a tasteful tie.
I never saw the show until I was in south america and it was one of the few english language shows. It does have its funny moments, no doubt. Not enough for me to watch it up here, though.
That'll buy him hookers for the next 2 years.
_____________________________________________________
"Going to Burger King to eat healthy is like going to a prostitute for a hug." Dlister Supah 8.20.11
Submitted by suckandfuck on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:01am.
what does his dick look like? I always picture his to be like a shorter one but curved way up, like a hook, like hook dick.
----> The shaft is pasty white with wrinkled veins and the head is red with the wonky signature of VD affection.
Submitted by louise_brooks on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:53am.
Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:40am.
I can't believe the amount of crap I put up with & how dysfunctional it was...
Oh man, can I relate, but that was how I was at work! ...I thought, I don't want to end up like that and I've got to make some changes...
Two weeks later I was laid off. I thought, it's now or never and started back to school in late May. I love it. With the economy being crap, there are lots of adult students. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm pretty optimistic. :-)
-----------------------------------------------
OMG you guys, I am so in the same boat *splashes youse*.
I was miserable at my crappy old job - was even beginning to get TMJ from all the clenching and toof-grinding. The place was TOXIC. Then I got laid off. At first, I was giddy with possibility - the jaw and neck pain comepletely disappeared like overnight. But I had no direction, so I floundered for a year, sometimes quite depressed and distressed.
But I kept on soul-searching, and I finally figured out what I want to do with my life, and I'm going back to school next semester. Life with a purpose is wonderful - and even though I know I won't be making a gazillion dollars, I still wouldn't trade trade places with Charlie Sheen - not in a million lifetimes.
It's never too late to start over!
I actually dont' think that Charlie will blow the money at all.
Basically, he got one years' worth of salary and with his syndication rights, he's rolling in dough.
Right now, he's trying to do a mea culpa without looking like a douche (which is what he is) and he's basically going for the cool guy Charlie act because he needs to get back into the good graces of those Hollywood backers and producers who will finance his new show and give it a decent slot on a decent network.
Regardless of Charlie's recent breakdown, he is a bankable star with a solid fan base (this has been proven), so don't count Charlie out at all.
About 2-1/2 Men, this will be the last season. They will let it go through to the end, even if the ratings bottom out, but it will end by next May.
______________________________________________________________
All together now: FUCK MY LIFE. - The One-and-Only Michael K- 6/17/11
Submitted by K2 on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 10:02am.
That is a huge amount of money for mediocre work.
******************
And for playing himself ! Holy shit some people have all the luck.
............
I sometimes catch myself watching reruns of 2.5 Men. Virtually 85% of the alleged jokes are predictable 20 seconds before they land. I sit there thinking, This is the most popular comedy on TV?
Jon Cryer had wonderful lines. Otherwise the show was meh.. mediocre. My son wanted to watch the roast and I watched too. Was so so.. basically it was a shove it up the ass to the big boss because Charlie is WINNING. Well he did win..monetarily. All those Hollywood enablers.. WTF! And he was somewhat contrite on what was it.. Leno? But he is still an addict and probably will have another one of his outbursts.. whatever. As far as money is concerned..he is WINNING.. WTF? For services rendered? He ain't that talented..good agent though.
i told my producer one time to fuck off & all i got was an up-yours
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
yep, that will teach those of us that work/worked for a living... 'tis a fair, and just world, folks... *opens package of Ramen*
-----------------------------
"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
who's smoking it up now,bitch?
Wow, no wonder he said "I've already won" last night. Good for him...?
The roast was funny, but it could've been better. I heard a lot of the same comments over and over again, and some of the jokes were more mean-spirited than funny. Seth McFarland (sp) did a good job, but he was a little too polished and smarmy, IMO. I miss Greg Giraldo (RIP) and Lisa Lampanelli.
WORDS MEAN NOTHING, fashion speaks volumes. -MK
@jerseygirl17
I loved Evelyn trying to sell the house at the wake. "Open house Sunday from 1-5". So much for all the conspiracy theories as to how he was gonna die. Definite curveball there.
Submitted by barburger on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 8:45am.
The premier was decent. Lot of funny lines in the 1st 15 minutes and Kutcher is no Charlie--but is was funny the way he showed up and Allan throwing Charlie's ashes in the air when he saw him on the deck. Not so sure if Sheen's done with this show. They left alot of open possibilities for him to make a return. Doubtful though, yes.
______________________________________________
I thought it was hilarious when he screamed like a girl and tossed the ashes. I've only seen like 2 older episodes of Two and a Half Men (when I was seasick as hell on a cruise). This honestly didn't seem much different to me. It was goofy before and it's goofy now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
The roast was pretty damn funny. I thought that one chick went too far with the Ryan Dunn joke but I guess that's what they do. Overall hilarious.
And I don't know why but I am uncomfortable with my attraction to Kate Walsh.
**************************************************************
You really have to side clap and pucker for a piece who can stand next to a white feather and out-gay it. - MK 8/3/2011
The only time I watched Two and Half Men is when I was visiting a relative in the hospital. It was pretty raunchy for a network sitcom but I cracked a coupla smiles. But, from what I've read about the reboot, I don't get the humor--murder, attempted suicide--yeah, that's a laugh riot.
Maybe Chuck Lorre is a bastard. Can Charlie Sheen AND Brett Butler be wrong?? lol
Great! A shitload of lucre with which to finally destroy himself. The people at the top think of everything.
some charlie for all of you...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5aSa4tmVNM
'We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.'
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:58am.
----------------
Guilty there too... I thought it was all really "meh". By no means was I ever a huge fan, but Charlie did make that show. This was proved last night. It's great that Kutcher got a job IN THIS ECONOMY and all, but I didn't need to see him naked. Like sorry for the lame jokes, here's some abs and a blurred out penis. Gross.
-------------------------------------------------
Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
I thought the roast was pretty good, Charlie took the insults about being a woman beater, crap father and a drug addicted Mexican named Carlos quite well!
I agree that Brooke was out of it, I hate her. She looked just like that Jillian woman from Good Day L.A.
Here is someone's Top 10 lines from the Roast, they're all pretty good. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2011/09/the-10-best-lines-from...
I REALLY missed Lisa Lamp. and Greg Geraldo though. They really vamp things up and are the edgiest along with Jeff Ross.
________________________________
Dark-sided!
*sigh*
God looks after children and fools and since he's a fool with children, all his bases are covered.
He's the reason LiLo hasn't jumped off a bridge yet. Her $125 mil payday is a comin'!!!
That is a huge amount of money for mediocre work.
******************
And for playing himself ! Holy shit some people have all the luck.
Submitted by cake coke and cock on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:51am.
lol!!! I know, I'm ashamed that it cracked me up too. Mike Tyson was even surprisingly funny and humble and Charlie gave the best zingers of the night. *ducks rotten fruit*
idk, if it wasn't for the kids I'd say let Charlie do whatever the hell he wants with his money, but yeah can't give him a pass on that.
I also watched the new 2.5 Men... looks like they are resurrecting Kelso from That 70's Show... a dumbfuck burn out with predictable lines consisting of "duh"... only this time Kelso's a billionaire.
_____________________________________________
"I have no snacks for you, only death." ~ annobanano, 08/03/2011
Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:40am.
I can't believe the amount of crap I put up with & how dysfunctional it was. Really try to keep your head up. One of my biggest regrets was not getting out & socializing - the gym, volunteer, whatever. I think that would've improved my outlook.
Oh man, can I relate, but that was how I was at work! LMAO I HATED my job. HATED it with a passion. Then one of my coworkers, who was actually the person who hired me many years ago, passed away of cancer. She hated it there, too. She wanted to be a wedding or event planner. When she passed I thought, I don't want to end up like that and I've got to make some changes.
Two weeks later I was laid off. I thought, it's now or never and started back to school in late May. I love it. With the economy being crap, there are lots of adult students. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm pretty optimistic. :-)
Sweetas and Jack, I know right? I've been meaning to tell someone how great it was but momentum, and perhaps shame, keep hindering me lol.
-------------------------------------------------
Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
..and the moral of this story boys and girls is say yes to drugs..
The roast was toasty. Steve O got himself punched out by Tyson -- lots of awkward moments and jokes that were too fuckin soon to make.
You know he might be "crazy" and a "cokehead" but the guy is a REALLY smart guy. And he has some really good insight to things, like 9-11.
Submitted by cake coke and cock on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 9:14am.
Loved it... Jeffrey Ross kills it on every roast. And yes, Chuck looked sober and took the hits well...
_____________________________________________
"I have no snacks for you, only death." ~ annobanano, 08/03/2011
Submitted by RustyHooligan: "I know it won't last, but that dude cleans up and sobers up right quick. Having buckets of money and no need for gainful employment will test his resolve."
Exactly.
Re: The comparison between Charlie and Lindsay.
Charlie doesn't lie about what he does and who he is. He also doesn't go around blaming everyone else (that I know of, anyway.)
Lindsay beats Charlie in that she hasn't brought any innocent children into her dysfunction. Which might cancel out any of Charlie's advantages, in my book.
I think they're about equal in their violence towards women, though.
@ Louise_brooks. I'm sympathetic because I've been there before. As a matter of fact, that's how I discovered Dlisted 4 yrs ago! The wit & snark really helped me get thru my day of job searching, filing for an unemployment l being discouraged. As someone who's been there before, trust me when I say that you will find something better than your last job. I was extremely bitter about getting laid off at my last position & when I look back, I realize what a complete joke it was.
I can't believe the amount of crap I put up with & how dysfunctional it was. Really try to keep your head up. One of my biggest regrets was not getting out & socializing - the gym, volunteer, whatever. I think that would've improved my outlook. So try to do something like that if you feel down. I know that reading about over-entitled a-holes like Charlie can get you down when you're trying to figure out how you're going to pay the bills. Good luck!
That is a ridiculous amount of money for doing nothing.
Makes me absolutely sick.
I have this DVR'd for tonights viewing.
That is a huge amount of money for mediocre work.
Chuck is "THE STINKMASTER!", now get over it.
http://youtu.be/i9WOdnR-Nfs
┌_П┐(•_•)┌П┐__
I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
CC&C I watched it and agree that it was hilarious and Charlie looked old as hell for 46 but clean and straight! *shocky face*
Love u Carlos!
"2.5M" did just fail without him. Ashley is too witless to be funny and I don't understand the naked stuff. He's been doing cock tease for 10 years now and its just boring.
And the stupid Republicans are fighting tooth and nail to keep Charlie's taxes lower than his housekeeper's. Raise this mega a*shole's taxes President Obama!!
Submitted by miz cynical on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 8:55am.
Thanks, I'm just grumbling out loud. It sucks because it's less then half of what I was making when I had a job, but I'm back in school and I love it. When I am ready for a job I am sure I won't be making $125 million, but at least I will be doing something I like instead of just tolerating my job like that place I left.
Did anyone watch the Roast last night? Shit was hilarious (I know I know) I was amazed at how many times I (involuntarily) cracked the fuck up. Charlie seemed really humbled by it all, and he actually looked sober (I KNOW!) Mueller, on the other hand, was a cracked out mess. Like for real, bish was on some whole other level shit. Those little boys are so fucked. Good to know they'll at least have some millions for the much needed therapy.
-------------------------------------------------
Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
it sure does pay off, it sure does. of course, you're known to the world as a crazed crackhead asshole, but the millions and luxury mansions help I'm sure.
Welcome to America !! Where it honestly pays to be a crackhead .
That said, 2 1/2 Men was actually funny last night. I think John Cryer does a great job regardless of whether Sheen is on the set or not. Wasnt looking forward to dim bulb Ashton ...but he played his part well. I foresee this show continuing on for atleast another 2 years.
There is no justice in the world but on another note business should be good for the hookers,dope dealers and porn stars wherever Charlie is……
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"
I will take a Charlie Sheen over a Lindsay Lohan with her two staged photo op's any day.
I never watched Men, but you can not deny the fact that he was a big part of that show for..8? years. That's a long time. It's not like someone mentioned his name in a song and he is trying to collect.
When I was visiting my Grandma in the hospital, her and her roommate.. a lady in her late 80's, both insisted on watching "Charlie" every night. Even after everything they still like him lol.
I kind of had a feeling that a settlement was coming soon with his recent change in attitude.
I'm jelly :( fuck you, charlie!
'We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.'