A flock of pigeons out of Prince’s ass carrying a dreamcatcher crashed into Phoebe Price’s head, but that didn’t stop the international supermodel and the hardest non-paid hustler in Hollywood from singeing the carpet fibers at the Emmys with her her charbroiling posing skills. Every year, the nominees (except for Mad Men who will still be nominated posthumously even after the show gets cremated and sprinkled into a whiskey) and host changes at the Emmys, but one thing always stays the same: Chicken Cutlets is always there to fill a bitch’s seat when they’re not in it and if she happens to leave a butt burp that smells like star dust and burnt bouillon on it, then they should consider themselves the real winner of the night!
I can already hear you PP haters (let’s call you Incontinent-als) asking, “But Michael, it wasn’t the Ho Stroll Strollers Who Don’t Have A Real Job Awards, so why was PP there?!”) Please do your research before you ejaculate the hate from your fingertips. I’ll have you know that Chicken Cutlets played the pivotal role of “Marie – Customer with Car” in an episode of The X-Files in 1993. PP is practically TV royalty! The academy obviously knows they wronged Chicken Cutlets by not giving her an award for that groundbreaking performance, so they bring her back every year and quietly honor her in the backroom with a special ceremony (aka seat filler orientation). And PP also makes a few extra coins from handing out mints in the women’s restroom during commercial breaks. The Emmys is NOTHING without her.
And here’s a few pictures from last night’s shit (don’t worry, I’ll get to the attack of Goop’s gut in a second). In order: Chicken Cutlets, Kyle Richards, Chris Colfer, Christine Baranski, David Boringanus with his wife (their high school prom pose game gets an F), Elisabeth Moss, Azteca from Antz, Joel McHale with Rainn Wilson, Julia Stiles, Kelly Osbourne, Lea Michele, LL Cool J, EMMY WINNER Margo Martindale!!!!, Padma Lakshmi, Rico Rodriguez and Taraji P. Henson.