Dear Lindsay Lohan, You Aren’t The Only Drunk Mess Of A Plastic Skank Out There

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s joke of a career (or whatever you want to call it) showed up in the obituaries a long time ago, but that isn’t stopping those corroded and faded fame balls from trying to resurrect the dead by bringing back their glory days! And at her 25th birthday party in Las Vegas last night, the former prized steed of MTV partied as if she just rolled out of White Oprah’s twat.

Horsey Montag would’ve done a Blohan by throwing her drink at a photographer but: a) Heidi only gets 2 bottles of Andre from the club and she’s not about to waste the sweet nectar when she can barely afford to buy a shot of Thunderbird from a drunk homeless man. b) Most horses get the spooks around camera flashes, but that shit is like a feedbag full of sugar cubes for Heidi’s soul so she’s not going to piss off the three photographers who only showed up for the free 3 bottles of Andre the club promised to give them (yes, they get more free bottles of Andre than Heidi does).

The Daily Mail says (no, they didn’t) that Twit and Twat set the club on fire with their fiery hot glamour and the sprinklers came on. But that’s probably just because the Nevada Health Department wanted to really make sure they bathed before they got close to the public.

And it looks like Heidi’s silicone hemorrhoid face finally settled so much that now it looks like an inflatable trans pony (a tranapony!) that was overinflated with cold farts and just sprung a leak. Just bloated, melted and ready to party!