Hot Slut Of The Day!

September 15, 2011 / Posted by:

The 427nd season of Survivor: Jeff Probst Never Fucking Ages premiered last night and there are so many Hot Sluts to choose from including the spoken word artist who really belongs on The Real World New York (season 1), Papa Bear, the Kate Gosselin circa 2008 impersonator and the “loco” stalker who is always creeping through the palm trees, but for today I’m going to go with my sweet nerd prince COCHRAN! And here are my 10 reasons why (these are all positives, mostly):

1. Cochran is a Survivorholic who knows the show like the back of his girlfriend (aka his hand).
2: Cochran’s front name is John, but he made Jeff call him by his last name from the beginning of the game because he said all of the superstar Survivor champions go by their last names.
3. When his lazy as shit tribe members decided to frolic in the waters instead of building their shelter, Cochran turned into the fat kid during P.E. pool time and got all nervous about getting down to his chonies. I don’t know why, because as soon as he whipped out that white hotness my eyelashes singed.
4. Cochran has the complexion of a beluga whale’s jizz.
5. The character of George Costanza on Seinfeld was based on Cochran.
6. Cochran’s tribal council speech was written by Larry Sanders.
7. Woody Allen thinks Cochran is too Woody Allen-ey.
8. An asthmatic, wheelchair-bound memaw with a bad elbow could climb up a wall faster than Cochran can.
9. Cochran’s chronic nervousness makes me so damn nervous. I fully expect CBS to reimburse me for Valium and weed. (Free weed and Valium!)
10. Finally, his name is COCHRAN! I shouldn’t even have to explain that one to you.

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