Brad Pitt’s giving interview for his new movie Moneyball and you know what that means? It’s time to open up the dusty old fairytale about the evil queen who stole Prince Charming from Chinderella. To be fair, all of us (Yes, you’re guilty too!) still regurgitate that mess and even this week’s cover of OK! Magazine is devoted to the remake of Bride Wars starring St. Angie Jo and Jennifer Aniston. But Brangie and Jennifer Aniston always make it seem like they’re completely over talking about it, yet whenever they got some shit to sell out comes the dust. Aniston brings out the Brangie guns and now Brad is bringing out the Aniston guns.
During an interview with Parade Magazine, Brad subtly tore open an old wound and then spit at it. As you’re reading, count how many gallons of uncooked cookie dough Aniston is going to eat and how many times she’s going to kick at her Maddox voodoo doll.
On how St. Angie is the perfect mother: “One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh, man, I’m so happy to have her.”
On how he’ll marry St. Angie when gay marriage is legal everywhere: “I mean, how many stories have you read that aren’t true, stories about me and Angie being married or fighting or splitting up? And when we don’t split up, there’s a whole new round that we’ve made up and we’re back together again! We’ll get married when everyone can. We’re not splitting up. And we don’t have a seventh child yet.”
On the 90s and how his marriage to Jennifer Aniston helped to make him a boring and fake person: “I spent the ‘90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”
Two gallons and two kicks, right? Well, let’s make it three. This is what Brad told Entertainment Weekly about making Mr. & Mrs. Homewreckers!
“A husband and wife who actually want to kill each other — I thought that was a launching pad for something really fun and vibrant. Again, that was something we were developing as we were going along, and Angie’s a great partner in that. We work really well together. We had some good workshops beforehand. Had some good laughs and ideas. That was just a great collaboration that turned into a greater collaboration.”
And just like that, Brad fertilized the birth of a million more tabloid covers until the rapture swallows us after Jen’s daughter Uncoolina Theroux “snatches” away Vivienne’s husband.
You know, it’s already been fucked into our brain holes a million times. Jen’s pussy was like Nytol for Brad’s soul and turned him into a stoner who could give a shit. Angie’s pussy was like Vivarin for his soul and turned him into the perfect and holy asshole he is today. We get it.
At this point, we should just assume that Brad, Angie, Jennifer and the tabloids all own majority share in the Illuminati and are slowly trying to destroy us all.