White Oprah’s vodka plunger mouth has been mysteriously shut during this whole “Ali Lohan now looks like a walking Weekly World News cover” mess and I just figured it’s because she doesn’t issue a MAN DOWN CODE 10 ALERT unless her ATM card stops working or the delivery dude from Beefeater doesn’t show up to fill the gin cooler in her bedroom…and I was right.
White Oprah, seen in the picture above as Mother Unnatural, is telling her friends that everyone can calm their hot b-holes (“Mix a little coke with the innards of a wet Sleepytime Tea bag and rub it on the hot spot real careful-like” – White Oprah giving her mostly herbal remedy of the day!), because her 17-year-old daughter hasn’t plasticized her face and isn’t anorexia-ing her way to model beauty.
White Oprah says Ali is just going through a growth spurt! You know, because every 17-year-old’s growth spurt looks like it was watered with heroin juice and fertilized with back alley collagen that might really be gel soil. A source had this to say to Radar about what White Oprah sees through her delusion-colored eyes:
“Dina is adamant though that Ali is just going through a very big growth spurt, and there is absolutely no cause for concern. If Dina thought for one moment that Ali was suffering from an eating disorder, or feeling the pressure to be thin, she would terminate Ali’s modeling contract, and get her the necessary help.
Ali is the one who has pestered her mom for years to get into the business. Dina held-off for years, but felt now the time was right for Ali to get into the business. As long as Dina isn’t concerned, Lindsay isn’t worried either.”
Oh, that White Oprah is such a restrained pimp. Whoring Ali out in that reality show and pushing her in front of the paparazzi any chance she gets definitely falls under the “holding off” category. White Oprah would never allow Ali to tap dance down the same tragic road as Goddess Bunny and she’d never replace her bowl of morning cereal with a bowl of mashed Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull. NEVAH! But mostly because do you know how fucking expensive Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull is?! It’s Mexican Ephedra and toilet bowl cleaner all the way!
White Oprah might be a creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration, but she’s a frugal creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration. TYVM.