FUCK YES, THE SEQUEL: Serena Williams Is Not The One

September 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Serena Williams took me up, up and away and forced me to worship her as the Grand Asshole Queen of the Court when a priceless “I Will Shove This Ball Down Your Froat rage rant came shooting out of her soul at the US Open in 2009 and during yesterday’s women’s final match she gave us the sequel we’ve all been waiting for. It all started when the words “COME ON!” came out of Serena’s mouth at the ball she served to her Samantha Stosur during the first game of the second set. The umpire Eva Asderaki turned on the bitch in Serena when she penalized her with a code violation, giving Samantha the point and the game. And when she turned on Serena’s bitch, she turned on my dreams!

Now, the Serena of 2009 would’ve taken that “COME ON!” ball and threatened to tea bag rape the umpire with it. But the Serena of today is more grown up and understated. So, Serena let her entitled cunt gene simmer a bit before later serving Eva the kind of Mean Girls monologue Suri gives to Stepford Katie when she brings her the wrong high heels from the shoe closet. Gawker transcribed the beautiful aria that would only be true if Serena said it to a mirror:

“If you ever see me walking down the hall, look the other way, because you’re out of control… You’re totally out of control, you’re a hater, and you’re unattractive inside. Who would do such a thing? And I never complain. Wow… We’re in America last I checked. Can I get a water or am I gonna get violated for a water? Really, don’t even look at me! I promise you, don’t look at me, ’cause I am not the one. Don’t look my way.”

Serene (typo that’s only meant to be read with your sarcasm filter on), of course, lost that shit to Samantha and refused to shake hands with Umpire Eva at the end of the game. Afterward, Umpire Eva went home, sat back in the tall chair (yes, they even sit on those tall chairs at home) at her tall dinner table with a glass of red wine and tucked herself in with the image of mad as hell Serena trying to cool off her charbroiled asshole by fanning it in the air:

Yeah, Serena should just project her ass twerkin’ video onto her forehead and nobody will ever look her way and everybody will keep their eyes focused on the sidewalk cracks when they pass her in the hallway. But Serena still gets the game point from me. Bitch used “not the one” this year, which means next year she’ll definitely pull out “I’ve got your number, hussy.” YESSSSS! This is some roid rage I can agree with.

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