Since I’ve been on PST I’ve been rising from my dead coma a little after 5 every morning and I really don’t know how some of you opposite vampires do it. You must have an alarm clock that sprays out meth mist and if you do, please give me the SkyMall catalog number for it. 5am was invented so that sluts could do the walk of shame from their one night trick’s apartment to their apartment while it’s still sort of dark outside. It was not invented as a waking up hour. It’s just hurtful. But I’m going to stop about that before one of you e-mails me with: “Michael, suck on your mouse, because the children in Ethiopia get up at 4am!” Yes, I know! I also know that Ethiopian children have to make their morning coffee by banging coffee beans on a rock down by the river instead of pressing Mr. Coffee’s G-spot like I do. I know! Anyway….
So my brain is on 5am and I’m going through e-mails and there I see it…. A subject line that reads: NEW PICTURES ANDERSON COOPER SUNBATHING SHIRTLESS!!!!! The sleep crust melted from my eyeballs, the fapping nodule in my brain stood up and my finger pores started pre-cumming as I clicked the link. A lukewarm second after I did that, my eyeballs turned blue and my fapping nodule went back to bed. In what world is this considered shirtless?! Unless, Mah Boo’s torso is nipple deficient and naturally made from a cotton blend only found in a Calvin Klein store (very possible), this is not shirtless! This is SHIRTMORE not shirtless.
Curse the bitch who screwed with my emotions at a time when I’m most sensitive (aka the pre-caffeine hour). That is a low blow and not the kind I pulled down my chonies for.
FURTHERMORE, Mah Boo posted these pictures on his site to promote his talk show. Mah Boo is obviously new to the talk show promo game, because you do not promote a talk show with pictures of some shit we’ve seen a million times. I mean, Kathy Griffin in a bikini? Ever since she sold her belly button to Satan for her new body, bitch hasn’t been out of a bikini. I’ve already etched the image of Kathy Griffin in a bikini into the metal memory file cabinet in my brain with an old key. We’ve all seen it! But you know what we haven’t seen? Kathy Griffin in a grey t-shirt and Mah Boo in a black ‘kini. There’s still time for them to do this promo picture thing right! Do it for my 5am brain, Mah Boo!