It’s Not That Serious

Chris Martin and GOOP are rarely ever photographed together and I get it. They’re both saggy cunt balloons full of cold farts of self-importance, but at least they know that most cameras can only handle one of their egos in the same frame. If the shells holding their egos touched as a camera’s flash went off, a black hole vortex would open up, sucking all of our souls into it and she wouldn’t have anybody on earth to terrorize with the piss streams of pretentiousness that shoot out of her mouth hole on a weekly basis. So we should be thankful to GOOP, blah blah blah… But sometimes they go so out of their way to not be photographed together that it makes them look even more ridiculous than usual. Yes, that’s possible.

When Coach threw Fishsticks Paltrow a party in London last night, Chris Martin showed up a little while after her dressed like a metrosexual unabomber and told all the photographers to keep their cameras away from him. Fine. The feeling is mutual, I’m sure. Show me a camera that wants to willingly wink at Chris Martin’s queef spout of a face and I’ll show you labia lips on a dick hole.

But then when the party was over, Fishsticks walked down the street to her car and Chris waited inside. When Chris was given the signal, he ran his stupid ass down the street and hopped into the backseat where Fishy was hiding with a blanket over her gills (ho has never looked better).

Any normal celebrity couple who doesn’t want to make a big deal out of their relationship would’ve just: a) casually walked to their car together while keeping their hands to themselves or b) taken separate cars. But these two twat sticks just have to create a DRAMATICOMGGELLINI scene. I swear, these two don’t even have to try to act like assholes, it just comes naturally.