This is the moment in your life when you realize that New Balance sneakers sort of resemble the hooves of a unicorn that have only touched the rainbow clouds on a Lisa Frank folder. You should write that into your memory journal in glitter pen.
The last time the traffic of breaths running from your mouth to your lungs stopped was when Richard Simmons frolicked on a trail of bedazzled starfruits that fall out of his front b-hole (don’t you have one too?) while spreading his genius in Beverly Hills. You immediately printed that picture out on strawberry-scented paper and stuck it to to your inspiration board since Richard is what we should all aspire to be. Well, you’ve got another to add to the board.
Richard, who is what you get when you feed Billy Crystal sugar-free Jolly Ranchers juice after midnight, stepped out again in L.A. yesterday wearing another Toddlers & Tiaras original and the kind of chunky pearl necklace Fred Flinstone gave to Wilma Flinstone. Yabba Dabba Do is right!
Richard looks like the Tooth Fairy’s way more fabulous and glittier second cousin the No-No Fairy who slips a Sweatin’ to the Oldies DVD under your pillow every time your no-no puckers. You’re going to need a bigger pillow, because I’m sure the sight of these pictures is making you pucker like Renee Zellweger giving a beej to Mr. Lemonhead. I feel like I’ve been Care Bear Stared!