On the left is Ali Lohan back in 2009 and on the right is someone the paps say is 17-year-old Ali Lohan in Beverly Hills yesterday, but I’m not so sure since how in White Oprah’s coke spoon hell is that the same being?! The list of things White Oprah should be slapped in the mouth for is as full as full can be, but room should be made and this mess right here should be moved right up to the very top. It’s official, the Lohan’s family plastic surgery hates them more than any other bitch.
I can go on and on about how Ali’s freckles have been replaced with zero food and spider leg brows, but I’m going to go sit in my end of the world bunk instead since V was obviously right and the teenage lizard aliens (also see: Courtney Stodden) have finally arrived. While I do that, please bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on White Oprah or at least leave a trail of Jägerbombs from the rest stop bathroom she passed out in last night to Death Row.