We Know Who You’re Talking About, Fishy

Before we begin our favorite weekly activity of stoning Fishsticks Paltrow with stones not imported from the coast of Majorca and not cleansed with the distilled tears of an albino dolphin (that’s the worst part for her), let me ask if any of you know the exact time in that Contagion movie when she dies a slow, painful, tonsil-curling, eye-bulging, blood-spewing, nipple-shriveling death? Because that’s obviously the only part worth sitting through and I need to know what time I should make dinner reservations at the Chevy’s across the street from the theater. Now on to THE STONING!

In Contagion, Fishy plays a cheating wife who bring a virus (GOOP) to the United States that makes people spit out liquid death as their insides slowly turn into the meat that Taco Bell slaps between a shell. It’s the same suffering Fishy briefly went through when she had to kiss Matt Damon during a scene after he drank an entire Pepsi. One of her slaves-in-waiting to quickly change her sheepskin tongue condom (she wears one whenever she has to come in contact with a bitch who hasn’t been deemed 100% organic by the FDA).

Fishy talked about both cheating whores and viruses to The Daily Telegraph. First up, is Fishy’s thoughts on passing the peen:

“I am a great romantic – but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we’re all trying our best but life is complicated.”

“Learn not to judge people”? BITCH, don’t act like if I ate a Twinkie in front of your face, you wouldn’t shit out the stick that’s stuck up your ass, chisel into a gavel using a Cartier shank and bring it down as you yelled, “GUILTY OF NON-GOOPERY!”

Fishy then went on to say that if a virus killed cheaters, there would be no mortals on earth for her to terrorize.

“If death by virus was a punishment for extra-marital affairs there would only be three dudes left in this world right now…… I’m lucky – I have a wonderful, blessed life. I have two fantastically delightful children and a very nice husband, so… Knock on wood.”

And then she went on about how disasters happen for a reason (Note: There’s NO reason for GOOP so ho’s belief ain’t shit):

“I don’t believe in religion at all but it’s spiritual. I believe in a divine power and I believe that everything happens for a reason and if it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go.”

But back to the cheating thing. I love how she basically says that all husbands cheat before she quickly tries to pull Chris Martin out of that category by saying how happy she is. I see what you did there, GOOP, and it didn’t work. “Very nice husband” is like saying “cheating whore bastard who hates my wood-burning pizza” with a fake smile.

If a virus killed man cheaters, we’d definitely see Chris Martin’s face during the In Memoriam at the Annual Cunt Awards.