Lies Your Tattoo Told You

September 1, 2011 / Posted by:

Billy Joel drives like a blind paraplegic and is known for playing chicken with trees and losing. Lindsay Lohan’s entire life is a 40-car pileup on 1-495 and her face looks like an old tree that has been hit by Billy Joel’s bumper, so it was destiny that they come together to create some shit that would make more sense stamped onto an expired piece of hangar steak in the broken refrigerator at C-Town. Former actress turned sea jasper aficionado LiLo put her stale Dorito carcass under a tattoo artist’s needle at Shamrock Tattoo in L.A. earlier this week and got a lyric to Billy Joel’s “I Go To Extremes” inked into her jerkified flesh.

TMZ magically got a hold of these pictures (aka White Oprah e-mailed them with the note: “Wanna do me?” Actually, that note is her e-mail signature, because you never know. Someone might sign up for that one day) and they were told that LiLo thinks her new tattoo represents “where she is in life and everything she’s been through … it signifies that she’s focused.”

BJ’s “Goodbye to Hollywood” would’ve been a more appropriate choice, but this is a Lohan. They have those opposite eyes. Everything we see, they see the opposite thing. For example:

LiLo sees: Clear as a crystal
We see: Clear as a crystal meth pipe that has been passed around a Bronx crack den so much that its mouthpiece has cold sores on it and the cracks in its bowl are held together with Scotch Tape.

LiLo sees: Sharp as a knife
We see: Sharp as a knife after Blohan used it to stab the body of career until the blade broke off when it hit the I Know Who Killed Me organ.

LiLo see: I feel like
We see: Bitch, don’t act like all the quartz dust (or whatever) you snort up didn’t eat all the feelings in your nerves. You’re like a b-hole slathered in Orajel.

LiLo sees: I’m in the prime of my life
We see: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHajkfdsfhladsfAHJAHAHAHAHHA

Okay, I take back that last one. It was unfair. That’s something a 50-something who just got her second vaginal rejuvenation and a membership to the Pussy Lube of the Month Club would say, so it completely fits.

You know, now that I look at it the entire tattoo fits. That font makes your retinas laugh, it’s crooked as shit, the spacing isn’t trying to be great and overall it’s a mess. It’s like the tattoo version of LeAnn Rimes’ tits. It’s slurring so much that you can’t take it seriously. So good job to that tattoo artist! Although, they probably didn’t mean to do that on purpose. I’m sure it was hard trying not to laugh with their whole body while tattooing words of delusion into a Lohan.

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