Well, I guess even Robert Downey Jr.’s wife Susan Downey has that one chismeando auntie who always sits right next to the food table at family reunions to scoop up the gossip with her ear holes so that she can pour it out later through her mouth hole to her husband as he eats the smashed piece of sheet cake she brought him because a stupid soccer game was on TV and he wasn’t even trying to go to that party.
(Side rant: Whenever my mom brought me a piece of cake from a party, why did she almost always make it “car ride safe” by stuffing it between two Styrofoam plates before wrapping it in Reynolds? The frosting would always end up on one plate, and the cake on the other. When cake and frosting get together, they’re in it until the end. They aren’t mean to be separated. It’s like giving me a hard dick on one plate and its cum shot on the other. It makes no sense. Cake and frosting work together to make a beautiful special moment and when you tear them apart, you’re just fucking with nature. There’s got to be a better way.
And if you’re about to say to me, “But Michael, what about those individual cake piece containers from Tupperware you can buy at Target,” then I’m about to throw you a lip smack and an eye roll on behalf of my entire family. Individual cake piece containers? Bitch, stop. We’re not a family of Martha Fucking Stewarts. As far as I know, Juan Pollo, the place we get all of our family reunion food, does not provide you with individual cake piece containers. I KNOW! How uncouthy of them. Although, sometimes I’ll wash off one of the Styrofoam containers the chicken came in and use that to take some cake home. But now we’re Inceptioning this bitch, because we’re about to get into a rant inside of a rant. Let’s just stop now. Put on your lip gloss, plump your chichis and let’s get back to the main event.)
So Susan’s auntie Nancy Miller (it’s ALWAYS a Nancy) called up Radar and whispered into their phone pieces that she knows her niece has got an iron fetus growing in her womb:
“I think it’s wonderful that she’s pregnant. The baby is due in February. Susan’s father, my brother, called me about three weeks ago with the good news. Her parents are over the moon about it. It [doesn’t] really matter if it’s a boy or a girl. What really matters is that the baby is healthy.”
No, Tia Nancy, what really matters is that you’re dribbling out talk about your niece’s uterus situation to hos outside of the family circle and you probably did it for a check. That is ALMOST worse than bringing a bitch smashed cake. But what’s even worse than that is putting an OVER THE MOON violation into the mouths of Susan’s parents. That’s like saying that Susan’s parents put on a pair of CROCS and kicked a kitten in the neck. Just illegalness all around.
This will be RDJ and Susan’s first baby friend together. RDJ has an almost 18-year-old son named Indio. I really hope RDJ keeps with the Riverside County theme and names his new kid La Quinta.
And as I was about to hit publish on this shit, RDJ just confirmed the news with this statement:
“Robert and Susan could not be more excited over this news. They can’t wait to welcome this new baby into their wonderful family.”
But you’re still on notice, Tia Nancy!