The Shroud Of Jolie

August 30, 2011 / Posted by:

The Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist will be closed for renovation today as crews take down the Shroud of Turin and throw it into the back alley dumpster outside since there’s no need for it now that Vanity Fair has published THE HOLY FACE OF ANJESUS on their new cover. In Vanity Fair’s new issue, which the Gideons will distribute to motels across the country beginning next month, Angie Jo says that the child army isn’t hiring at the moment and also said that she and Brad Pitt will not bless the sanctity of marriage anytime soon.

Angie mostly talked about the new movie she wrote and directed called In The Land of Blood and Honey. No, it’s not about the civil unrest on Pooh Corner. It’s also not a post-apocalyptic tale about a battle for the last box of Nuttin’ Honey (I WISH!). It’s a love story between a woman and her torturer set during the Bosnian War. So it’s sort of like a symbolic film about the time you watched The Tourist while sober (sans the love story part). Here’s what Angie Jo had to say about that shit:

On how Brad thinks she’s going to throw shade at directors now that she’s a director (I see you eye rolling) herself: “Brad thinks I’m going to be a nightmare. I had such a good experience he thinks I’m going to be impatient with directors, which I already am. I get impatient with people working on a film that have their head in their hands like it’s the most complicated thing in the world.”

On how she’ll thank her crusty green phlegm loogies when she wins every Oscar for her movie: “I had the flu. I had to be quarantined from the children for two days. I was in the attic of a house in France. I was isolated, pacing. I don’t watch TV and I wasn’t reading anything. So I started writing. I went from the beginning to the end. I didn’t know any other way.”

On what Brad thought of the script after she gave it to him to read: “He called and said, ‘You know, honey, it’s not that bad.’”

On taking directing advice from Brad: “He’d come in and say what he liked or what he didn’t understand. Like any woman, I would listen to most of it and fight a few things. He’s been so supportive. But it’s hard to separate the person that loves you from the critic, so I don’t think he’s a fair judge. People will judge for themselves. I think if you make a good movie people walk away arguing.”

On baby and wedding crap: “I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment. There’s no secret wedding.”

And here’s another picture from the issue of Zahara and one of the chosen ones:

The photographers should’ve taken the picture from the other side, because I’d rather see the “Trick, you called me over here because you said you had some crap to whisper in my ear and now you’re suddenly a mute? And quick posing like you’re letting out a slow-to-come queef with your mouth. It’s creeping me out. My time: you’re wasting it!” look Zahara is obviously throwing.

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