The producers of Dancing with the Stars apparently made a vow to only cast real stars from now on instead of thirsty bottom of the barrel whores looking for a quick check and a spotlight to fuck, and they totally accomplished that with the new cast! And by “totally” I mean “didn‘t.” This mess of a list reads like the cast list for the straight-to-DVD sequel to Shark Night 3D. But I will say that Que Cat only jumped in my head once during the announcement and it was when the name “Hope Solo” came up. I mean, Hope Solo is a female athlete. Like I’m going to know that bitch. I only recognize athletes by their bulge. Anyway, here’s the entire list of hos who will scoot their asses across the dance floor for some relevancy and a Dollar Tree trophy:
Nancy Grace – The spirit of a rabid hyena who took over a shaved bull dog’s body and now devotes all her time to trying to eat the dead soul of Casey Anthony while making Joel McHale’s nipples burn.
Chaz Bono – A magical being that came out of Cher’s vagina. The end.
Elisabetta Canalis – Italian coke whore turned George Clooney’s strap-on handler of choice turned dumped bitch.
Carson Kressley – The test tube baby of Cojo and Ellen Degeneres.
Rob Kardashian – The mutation of one of Khloe Kardashian’s old nutsacks.
Chynna Phillips – My third favorite member of Wilson Phillips and Billy Baldwin’s on-and-off again wife.
JR Martinez – Iraqi war veteran turned soap star.
Ricki Lake – The winner of this shit, obviously.
Ron Artest (aka Metta World Peace) – An L.A. Laker and an L.A. crazy
Kristin Calamaris – The blonde trick the producers of DWTS happened to pull out after they threw all of The Hills hos into a paper bag and shook it up.
Hope Solo – Han Solo’s long-lost daughter and some girl who plays a sport that involves a ball.
David Arquette – A mess.
There is just so much crazy here (see: Metta World Peace, David Arquette, Nancy Grace…) that Vh1 has their cast for Celebrity Code 5150.
I can’t wait until David Arquette and Elisabetta Canalis both get kicked off for missing their cues because they were too busy doing lines off of each other’s nipple plates in the bathroom. I also can’t wait until Nancy Grace foxtrots to Lindsay Lohan’s Rumors while wearing hot pants and a Miller Lite t-shirt. But I really can’t wait until the producers seat Case Anthony in Nancy Grace’s cheering section which will cause her head to shoot through the studio ceiling, fly all the way to Florida and land on the front yard of Casey’s hideaway to live there as a permanent lawn decoration forever. I already give that a ten.