Announcing you’ve got a womb full of baby on the cover of People Magazine or in a Tweet is way too simple and bougie for Beyonce. Bitch always likes to do things get extra. And so at the MTV VMAs tonight, Beyonce swept in wearing a curtain from LaQuinta Inn and dramatically said it all by framing her holy baby cocoon. The sky opened up, everybody fell to their knees, Solange let out a holler from the basement that sounded like angels burping in unison and Three Kings rode in on Jay-Z. It was like the pre-show for the second coming. Or maybe none of that happened and everybody just looked at Beyonce like, “Bitch, why are you posing like my fat uncle after Thanksgiving dinner when he wants to show everyone how much crap he ate?”
People says that Beyonce cradled her bump (that’s not even bigger than my gut when I try to suck in during lights-on fuck time) and said that “she’s got a surprise.” Beyonce’s rep also confirmed that the seed of Jay-Z is alive and well in Beyonce’s Womb of Derriere.
Beyonce announcing it like a true STUNT QUEEN is just hilarious. Beyonce knew that everybody would lose their shit, shove it back up their asses and lose it again if she just coyly held it like that. I’m surprised a chorus of angel cherubs carrying adorable bundles of wigs with lips on them weren’t dancing around her. That being said, let’s all hail Beysus Jayssiah Oprah Carter Knowles (that’s totally what she’s going to name it).