Brad Pitt Saves Lives!

August 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Every Sunday, every preacher in every church uses his or her opening sermon to remind everyone that when St. Angelina Jolie queefs, a third world orphan who’s on his or her last breath suddenly develops the lungs of a bottomless asthma inhaler. We all know this. But did you know that Brad Pitt also has the power to save a mere mortal from getting eaten by death? Well, the bitch does and he left every ho in awe when he rescued a lady extra on the set of his zombie movie World War Z in Glasgow. Fishsticks Paltrow’s old Mercedes SUV just let out a NOT IMPRESSED puff.

People says that during a zombie mob scene, one extra slipped, hit the ground and was making peace with the fact that the last thing she’d ever see was a bunch of hungry zombie faces (sort of like what you see when you look at Angie Jo through a kaleidoscope). But then it happened. The greasy golden locks on Brad Pitt’s head turned into a Crisco halo and he appeared in a cloud of holy smoke to save a ho! Savior Brad picked the lady off the ground and carried her to safety. Someone who witnessed Brad doing hero shit said this about the heroic act, “I don’t think she could believe it when Brad picked her up. He didn’t have time to speak to her as it was mid-shoot. But she said afterwards how grateful she was, despite having a badly-grazed knee.”

The source later added, “And when she got home that night, she looked at her phone and saw a text message from the twin messiahs that only said, ‘coo.’ She immediately knew what to do. She put her phone’s screen up to her badly-grazed knee and gasped when it magically turned into a scar shaped like Maddox’s head. She will charge Brangeloonies $5 to touch it and will donate the money to Maddox’s Children In Need of Black Clothes Fund.

This is why we should never underestimate the saintly powers of Brangelina. And we should also never underestimate Brad’s publicist’s ability to turn a “Brad helped some ho up” story into “BRAD PITT IS THE HERO BONNIE TYLER WAS HOLDING OUT FOR!!!!!!1!!!!” story.

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