Nothing Compares To Peen

August 26, 2011 / Posted by:

Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O’Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay’s life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead’s hungry hungry O’Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog.

Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a “getup ready dick,” but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific.

My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.

Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.

So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.

Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

He must be no younger than 44.

Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.

Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

No hair gel.

No hair dryer use.

No hair dye

Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

No after shave.

Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.

Must be wham-bam.

Has to like his mother.

Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.

Has to live in own place.

I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com

Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead’s vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the “No Brians or Nigels” requirement and said she’ll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn’t interested.

I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply… I’ve had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.

The difficult brown?! I think we’re all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O’Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads.

via ONTD

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