Minka Kelly & Derek Jeter Aren’t Doing It Anymore

Now is the time to empty your piggy penis bank and invest all of those coins in Valtrex since that stock is going to fly higher than Derek Jeter’s succulent chichi balls when he jumps, because his dick is back out on the stroll. Minka Kelly’s spokeswhore tells People that they have split up after 3 years together, but she’ll still think of him fondly every time she has to come up with a creative way to scratch at the herp bumps on her chocha in public. Yeah, that’s why you sometimes see Minka Kelly and MiserAlba break out into the Tootsie Roll for absolutely no fucking reason.

But here’s a tip, Minka. POCKETS! Don’t leave home without ’em. Pockets aren’t for storing shit, they’re there so that your sneaky hand can scratch at the gift that keeps on outbreaking while around public eyes. Pockets are also there so you can relocate your dick when it gets caught in your nut thigh alley, but I don’t think Minka has that problem.

Here’s what the second-tier Leighton Meester impersonator’s rep had to say about this shit:

“They care about each other and it was amicable. They’re still friends.”

I’m surprised they lasted this long. That mega man whore Derek Jeter must have a mute button on his ears, because Minka’s voice is like the sound equivalent of chewing aluminum foil. Bitch’s voice is the worst. It sounds like a whiny baby with nasal allergies trying to do a voice impersonation of JLo. But this is still sad news (no, it isn’t). Now who is Minka going to whine to when an asshole of a flight attendant refuses to let her stupid dog sit with her in first class? That’s a problem worse than coochie warts.