Hot Slut Of The Day!
Matt Zarley, gay pop bear superstar!
In honor of the MTV VMAs this weekend, here’s the homo masterpiece that should’ve scooted glittery skid marks of peeña colada lube through every single category. A gigantic rainbow peen dropped from the sky and a bear made of pillow feathers slid out of its urethra and delivered Matt Zarley’s video for WTF (a video that I hate myself for missing when it was delivered to the internet months ago).
Matt lip synchs FOR HIS LIFE about the heartbreak a bear feels when he catches his cub partaking in daytime pillow fights (???) and backyard garden hose battles (????) with other cubs. Yes, it’s that moment when you find out that your bacon-burning piece is actually a 9-year-old ABC Family girl character trapped in the body of a gay cub.
This is like dunking your face and opening your eyes in a honey pot full of rainbow-colored melted cheese that is starting to crust around the edges. This mess of a song just bleached my asshole and singed the border jumping hairs around my beard. So now I’ve got an anus like a unicorn mouth puckering and a perfectly manicured beard. I can cancel that appointment this weekend!
And to be honest, I’d be pissed at my bitch for wasting delicious bacon to have a stupid garden hose fight. Seriously, what grown ass slut gets into a non-euphemism garden hose fight?!
