Wait, Simon Cowell Isn’t Already Frozen?

August 25, 2011 / Posted by:

When Simon Cowell hears “It’s a NO from me” from Heaven’s gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident, he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen:

“It’s an insurance policy. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. If it does work, I’ll be happy. If it’s possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it’s a good idea.”

I have a feeling that if I don’t do it now. I could regret this in 300 years’ time.”

Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?!

Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest’s laptop, I’d definitely be searching for “cryogenic chamber with a dick hole” right about now.

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