Wait, Simon Cowell Isn't Already Frozen?
When Simon Cowell hears "It's a NO from me" from Heaven's gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident, he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen:
"It's an insurance policy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does work, I'll be happy. If it's possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it's a good idea."
I have a feeling that if I don't do it now. I could regret this in 300 years' time."
Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?!
Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest's laptop, I'd definitely be searching for "cryogenic chamber with a dick hole" right about now.
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Is it just the haircut, or does he have a square skull?
He is vain and rich and apparently run out of ways to spend his filthy lucre.
Ok, from what I've seen in the comments I can tell I'm the minority here when I say I find this man *incredibly* hawtttt!! Yeah, he's cocky but hell. I. Don't. Care. Lol.
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"Just because Kim's face was knighted with a big black sword golden shower arch doesn't mean she's royalty!" - MK. I <3 U !
Right, because the future would be empty without Simon Cowell. Only to Simon Cowell.
Going to California
Why wait till he's dead?
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
I would have this done but Ted Williams did and they were batting his frozen head around like a baseball so I wouldn't trust them. Plus, when your money runs out they thaw out your head and throw it in the trash and who has enough money to be frozen for long (I think it's $30K/year?) Your money would run out.
Submitted by Datura on Thu, 08/25/2011 - 11:47am.
What's the point of getting cryogenically frozen if you die of old age? Wouldn't you just wake up 300 years from now a super, old ass man?
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My very exact thoughts. Also, what if you get smething like Parkinson's or even worse Alzheimers, then what? What do you do with your defrosted ass then? If he wants to be able bodied in 300 years time, then he should be frozen able bodied, i.e. like now, so that he could be the same then. Otherwise what's the point? And also, isn't the whole idea of dying is that there's something that's gone off/out within you and therefore you are no longer a functioning human being as such, so why would anyone want to defrost that?
MudTurtle, so sorry to hear about your husband being a dick. Hugs to you.
Thx everyone love you all. On shitty phone, will be. Back. Xoxo******************
She appears to be under the delusion that she is so hot that she can go around sans fards. She needs the fards.-Deb 7/29/11
I love all you guys. On slow ass phone be back soon. Thx everybody xoxoxo
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She appears to be under the delusion that she is so hot that she can go around sans fards. She needs the fards.-Deb 7/29/11
I
Mudturtle ~
Dump the jerk. Or, start spiking his beer with valium.
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"Going to Burger King to eat healthy is like going to a prostitute for a hug." Dlister Supah 8.20.11
Will some disgruntled failed Idol please take a hit out on this dick already ?
sosickofhisface
Mud Turtle: I never thougth I would encourage someone to get a divorce, but if your husband talks to you like that often (i.e., more than once every 10 yrs.), I think you'd be better off without him. It's better to be alone than to live with an a---hole.
Turt, you need to express to him how much that hurt. He would be upset if you said hurtful things like that to him. Sit him down and tell him to shit or get off the pot because things obviously are not working how they're going now. Relationships take effort from both parties. If he wants to treat someone like shit, he can go yell at a toilet bowl.
MT, sounds like my exhusband. One of his favourite lines was "you are the most expensive whore I ever bought" (he had a thing for hookers)
Hugs.
MudTurtle, I'm very sorry.
Stuff like this is where that "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" adage needs to be exterminated.
Words can be deadly weapons :(
X
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Dark-sided!
Of course he wants to live forever - he's a rich white bastard. Doubt he'd want to freeze dry himself if he was living in the streets of Calcutta.
oh turt...men are such assholes sometimes. especially when they're all over the damn map like that.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by Nanners on Thu, 08/25/2011 - 11:51am.
There must be some extra strong Botox in the forehead for it to remain that smooth.
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Industrial strength botox in the forehead and wrinkles around the eyes don't match.
omg MudT, that sounds SO familiar (or should I say sounded, I got the fuck out after 8 years, couldn't take it any more). I'm so sorry. :( COME ON OP!!
Submitted by MudTurtle on Thu, 08/25/2011 - 12:32pm.
*Huggies* sorry you're going through that.
MudTurtle, you shouldn't have to put up with that from your own husband. Just because people get pissy, it doesn't give them the irreproachable right to spout off whatever hurtful shit they want. I hope you find a way to work this out.
Submitted by MudTurtle on Thu, 08/25/2011 - 12:26pm.
Gross.
Off topic, I may be on the verge of a divorce.
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:(
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"I have no snacks for you, only death." ~ annobanano, 08/03/2011
Thanks, Sweetas. I'm sorry to bust all up in here and wreck shit. I'm just upset.
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She appears to be under the delusion that she is so hot that she can go around sans fards. She needs the fards.-Deb 7/29/11
Homeboy, you are not that fascinating. You're a douchey asshole with a shitty haircut on a Star Search wannabe show.
Again with my motto: Just because you CAN doesn't mean you should.
MudTurtle - wha??? *looks around frantically for OP* Hugs gf...
Thanks, guest. I need that hug right now. I don't know, it's just so back and forth all the time that I almost can't take it anymore. One day, my husband supports anything I want to do, whether it's go after a master's degree, get a job, or stay home. Today, because he's been pissed for two days that I spoke to a neighbor, so he told me I need to get a job and stop living off of him. He said that I am a sorry human and that if I could get a check from the government and just stay home I would.
My feelings almost don't get hurt anymore but this time they did.
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She appears to be under the delusion that she is so hot that she can go around sans fards. She needs the fards.-Deb 7/29/11
Sweetyxxxx
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Submitted by gladyslove on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 11:19pm.
You name should be El Retardo.
Turtle...WHAT?! (((hugs)))
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Gross.
Off topic, I may be on the verge of a divorce.
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She appears to be under the delusion that she is so hot that she can go around sans fards. She needs the fards.-Deb 7/29/11
El B♥!!! "snap his frozen dick off" omlolololol
Seriously though, how the hell do people plan on re-animating dead things? Raise them through the roof on a slab and let lightning strike the bolts in their neck?
If he's already frozen now, it explains his perpetually hard nips.
"I've had an awful lot of lovers ... And a lot of awful lovers." - Shirley MacLaine
Submitted by freshfacestripper on Thu, 08/25/2011 - 12:17pm.
stupid limey fuck...wtf?
HEY! >:(
Reported for being a fruitelist!
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Submitted by gladyslove on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 11:19pm.
You name should be El Retardo.
stupid limey fuck...wtf? freezing your dead body? your deaD AND OLD. LIKE, WHO IS THE SALESMAN FOR THIS SHIT??? PROPS ON THE COMMISSION!
Turd breath. Dang, I hate reality TV. Freeze him now and snap his frozen dick off!! If you have no dick in 2311 you will be an outcast.
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Submitted by gladyslove on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 11:19pm.
You name should be El Retardo.
Uh, do people actually realise that human beings are not sperm/eggs? You can't freeze/unfreeze the human body that way, fuck, just how stupid are people?
Well then don't will all your moneyz cuz you'll need those zillions when you wake up.
AND...LMAO @ Kimdin Kardashian-Bieber. That will probably happen. smh.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Lol @ ElBastardo!
(ETA: Oops. Wrong post. Refer, instead, to lezbo thread prior.)
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"okayyy lets not make a goddess out of Maria Shiver now. It's from her bitch face that she is a cunt." - cuntwhore (2011-08-08)
Seriously, I've always thought that I'd do that if I had the money (not that I ever will), mostly just so I could see what the "future" would look like. I think one of the major issues, though, would be that you could never be completely confident the company holding your body wouldn't go bankrupt or some other unfortunate thing.
And the link has him walking around with his pack of Kools and one dangling from his lips. So AbFabish.
Saffy: "You live from self-induced crisis to self induced crisis. Some psychic tells you what time to get up in the morning, someone channels what color you wear, and once a month someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you."
Edina: "It's called colonic irrigation, and it's not to be sniffed at. Anyway, there's more to all that."
Saffy: "I know, the bills."
His eyes have that same look cows do right when the vet sticks his arm up their bungholes.
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www.animalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
I so wish I had enough money to get myself cryogenically frozen so I can come back in AD 2999 and hang out with lobster people, androids and aliens like Futurama. :D
Am I placing too much faith in humanity by saying just forget it, Simon, there'll be no such thing as reality TV/talent shows for you to sink your massive veneers into in 300 years' time?
I can't stand him now, when he's alive. Now we're gonna havta put up with him when he's dead? That shit aint right.
Who authorized this? I blame Jon Grosselin for this fuckery.
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www.charitywater.org
www.animalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Nanners on Thu, 08/25/2011 - 11:51am.
There must be some extra strong Botox in the forehead for it to remain that smooth.
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I read something not long ago that he's such a Botox enthusiast that he gave Botox gift certificates as holiday gifts.
Simon you don't need an excuse, just go ahead and stick a popsicle stick up your ass.
Silly Simon. No one wants you alive now, so I find it extremely unlikely that someone will 300 years hence.
Congrats to the lab that's doing it, though, for parting a fool and his money.
There must be some extra strong Botox in the forehead for it to remain that smooth.
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What kind of fuckery is this?
Simon is an annoying homosexual.
(Are there nude photos of Simon?)
Are they gonna thaw his cock out every once in a while so Seacrest can still suck it?
Submitted by Meatblocks on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 12:16pm.
suckandfuck and raul are like the goofus and gallant of sick humor.
the best.
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I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.
Stupid simon... everyone knows that carbonite is all the rage.
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-