Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

August 25, 2011 / Posted by:

We know you’re hearing conflicting reports about a certain celebrity couple. So, you want to know what’s really going on? Of course you do! Here you go:

1. Saying that their marriage is “intact” is simply a fresh way of saying that they are not yet divorced. Therefore, it is a true statement.

2. Celebrities want to be in control of the timing of announcements about their personal lives. They get really irritated when information leaks out prematurely. This couple is no exception. The info was leaked and they are furious. Expect them and their publicist/s to continue to deny any rumors to maintain a modicum of control until all the pieces are in place for the divorce.

3. Whenever a couple insists on excessive PDA and statements about how manly/ womanly/ sexually active they are, you should immediately suspect that at least one of them is bearding for the other. In this case, it’s a double bearding.

4. There are two publicists involved, not just one, and they are not playing well together. One contributing factor is a recent agent/agency shuffle.

5. Although the couple hasn’t really spent any time together in the past month or so, the one thing on which all publicists can agree is… photo ops! So you should expect several staged photo ops in the near future of the “intact” family. There will be lots of big, fake smiles and boisterous, fake laughter and playful, fake cuddling. They’re actors, people. All of them. Actors know how to fake happiness.

6. Leaking information that a woman is having a secret affair with her costar is a very creative way of trying to convince people that your client is heterosexual. She is not.

7. Don’t expect anyone to come out of the closet on this one as a result of the divorce. Their livelihoods depend on them being perceived as stereotypes of an A-list masculine action hero and a sexy and devoted mom.

8. Threats of lawsuits are mere blustering and are meant to discourage the media from printing additional stories. The truth is that this couple would never actually expose themselves to discovery (e.g. interrogatories, depositions, requests to produce documents).

9. They’re done.

10. Yes, we’re sure. We have only one degree of separation from this couple. (Blind Gossip)

That black bar is laughing at me for dragging its ass out even though this blind item isn’t even trying to be blind. But #9 makes zero sense to me. If they want to look like the epitome of hetero love in front of the cameras, but also want to nibble on another ho’s labia and chew on another dude’s foreskin behind locked doors, why would they tear up their contract and end it all? They have it made.

AND when he’s got the sads because his secret piece gets weirded out after he does the naked Carlton before ass sex, his stage wife can take him higher and cheer his ass up by performing scenes from Woo. This shit is a bearding WIN/WIN.

But I still want to know WWAVS (What would Aunt Viv say?).

Kind of obscure, but shocking. Really shocking. I actually thought about making this not a blind item, but then decided the woman is entitled to her privacy. The story should come out in the next few days and there will be enough detail for everyone to know I was first, but I just can’t be the first to give the woman’s name. Anyway, this D lister who has been in one documentary in which he starred and has had several appearances on television as his character is getting divorced. So, where is the shock? Well, the shock is that his soon to be ex says that he raped her and also fears for her life and the life of their cat when he is around. (CDAN)

I’ve got nothing except….SAAAAVE THE KITTEEEEEH!

We’re sure that these five women will each offer up a creative excuse for not returning to their respective shows next season. “I’ve decided to devote more time to my family/ my charity work/ my other professional projects/my navel lint collection/ whatever.” But the truth is that they are all getting fired.

Woman 1 is a reality show cast member. She’s getting fired because she’s brunette and nasty and nobody likes her anymore. At least she has her husband’s money to fall back on.

Woman 2 is another reality show cast member. She’s getting fired because she’s brunette and boring and nobody has ever liked her. She’ll be fine, though, because she actually has a job to which she can return.

Woman 3 is a TV personality. She shouldn’t be too shocked, given the demonstrable lack of given to her by her cast mates during a recent life event. She’ll be OK, though, because she has always worked and already has a ton of other projects lined up.

Woman 4 is a television actress. While she is not the lead on a TV series, she does play a major character. Producers plan to replace her with a younger and prettier actress to attract a younger demographic. She will almost certainly be offered another show.

Woman 5 is yet another reality show cast member. The most compelling part of her life is off-limits to cameras. Without that storyline, she just doesn’t have anything to offer reality TV. She also doesn’t have a job to which she can return, she hasn’t made money marketing herself, and she is too broke to do anything or go anywhere. (Blind Gossip)

1. Melissa Gorga from The Real Mobwives of New Jersey?
2. Cindy Barshop from The Real Housewives of New York City?
3. Sherri Shepherd from The View?
4. I would say Betty White but no bitch is prettier than her.
5. Taylor Armstrong from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

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