Pull out the Kleenex and a tube of soothing chamomile tea lube, and then gently tell your genitals in a cashmere soft voice that it will not see William Levy’s Cuban sandwich nalgas clenching a crisp dollar bill on the (CL)IMAX screen anytime soon. Because the “Cuban Brad Pitt” (HA) has officially said no gracias to a role in Steven Soderbergh’s soon-to-be man stripper masterpiece Magic Mike.
William was supposed to star in his big breakout role by breaking out the see through salchicha smuggler (or as my mom says in her accent, “see troo”) and twerking his pecs next to Matt Bomer, Channing Tatum, Joe Man Jello, Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer, but People En Espanol says it’s not going to happen anymore. Let’s do this in Spanish, because then your chocha (or man chocha) can take the hint and weep in Spanish (messy, crazy, sweary, rosary-clutching, vase-breaking, etc):
Sin embargo, el actor cubano no se unirá al proyecto, pues prefiere dedicar tiempo a evaluar otras posibilidades en la Meca del Cine.
“Recibió un acercamiento, pero no estará”, dijo Gladys González, su mánager, a PeopleEnEspanol.com.
William is famous for telenovela shit and for rolling around on the sand with JLo’s ass, so he needs to stop thinking he’s too good to sway his peen on camera and take them chonies off! What are all these Hollywood offers that are falling on William’s lap? A chance to star opposite an A-list star in a Hollywood blockbuster that will win the box office and win Oscar awards? Yeah, I’m sure William got that casting notice in the mail. William, squint your pretty little eyes and tell me the fine print doesn’t say: “Audition held at the Scientology Center. Go to the cellar door on the side of the building, knock the melody to the Top Gun theme song with your fist. Come alone, bring a change of clothes and practice saying the safe word ‘glib’ over and over again beforehand.”
But this is still a tragedy…..
It’s times like this that I thank my everything for YouTube. The only thing that can calm my parts down is a fat sage joint from Shanti Ananda: